Written by rfreed
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Wednesday, 1 May 2013

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There comes a time in everyone's life when we must deal with that horrible reality of urban survival- having a roommate. Whether it be for economic, sexual, companionship or practical reasons, one often finds oneself having to share that space under ones roof with another human being, quite often one that you are not totally in tune with. Dealing with this individual or individuals with which one must share his, her floor, shower, refrigerator, breathing space and lifestyle with can be trying. Mental and emotional survival techniques must be adapted to deal with this sharing of one's space. We here at The Spoof would like to offer this Guide to Dealing With Roommates with you readers which will have to get you by until someone realizes the big bucks to be made in this and writes a 'Dummies Guide to Having Roommates' book.


Until then:

Food- to keep a roommate from pilfering your food, start keeping only tofu laced items in the fridge. This will deter all but the most vegan households.

Spike fruit such as bananas and apples with toothpicks inserted all the way in. One or two of these impaled on the tongue will keep your food safe for your own use (provided you remember before you eat them that he toothpicks are in there.)

Using a clear acrylic aerosol, spray the foremost cupcake in the bread box that Aunt Glenda sent you. One bite will prevent the pilfering roommate from trying any more.

To put an end to all night drinking binges carefully pry open the edge of all beer caps or put a pin hole in all beer cans and shake lightly until the fizz is gone in them. Fizz-less beer makes for short parties.

Your electronic shop has a cool device for modifying the common room TV to only receive the antiques channel after 10:00 PM, thus guaranteeing that you will not have to try to sleep through an all night horror movie commotion.

For TV sets one can also get a hidden switch installed into the cable inlet which allows you to change any obnoxious programming to only picking up Finnish news reports.

The same electronic store has a similar device that can pipe Lutheran choir music into any audio device proving to be too loud.

Fake, reusable dog hair sprinkled on your favorite sitting place will help to keep your more lethargic flatmates off your favorite seat or sofa.

To cover up your pothead roommates constant cannabis stink, salt their stash with fragrant herbs such as dried lavender, rose or geranium petals (which he/she will notice) or pizza scented incense (that he/she will not).

Have a hidden switch that instantly changes the hot water from the boiler to a tank of chilled water hidden behind the refrigerator for that roommate who takes overly long showers.

To avoid having to answer the door constantly for your slacker padmate, install his own personal chime and doorbell with a nameplate that says 'Dude' on it.

No matter how many roommates you have, set aside one room exclusively for: A- Sports related equipment for male living situations, B- Clothing and accessories for female dominated living situations. Reverse these categories if all roommates are gay.

Have a computer set up with a large digital reading that indicates when such necessities as toilet paper, napkins, beer and munchies are running low and suggest which store in the area is the best to buy them at.

For that old VW Bug your roomie has out rusting in the back yard, come winter let it be covered up by snow and rent it out as an igloo. Someone will come along who thinks it is cool.

An ethical question comes up with regards to the roommate who is constantly high. Should he only be charged half rent if he is only half there most of the time? The answer- charge him extra for parking space for his body.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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