Written by Thelonius
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Monday, 22 April 2013

image for Hey, a Horse is Playing the Piano I like to keep my 88's straight.

This weekend, as I was watching television, my wife misheard a statement I made.  She was in the kitchen and I said, "Hey, Doris Day is playing the piano".  Doris was young and pretty (although surprisingly, a little gay looking) in one of those hopelessly unbelievable 50's musicals where everyone plays the piano like George Gershwin (but you can't see their fingers).  Two stars for this particular effort was a travesty.   That I was watching at all leads to issues I don't wish to confront.

My wife thought I said, "Hey, a horse is playing the piano".  I was surprised that she was listening, and that what she heard was so close to what I'd said, as what I have to say has less and less import as the days and the minutes go by.

Things I seem to feel worthwhile commenting on these days are; the position in which the cat is sleeping, or that the hamster being awake in daylight, or that the hot water heater seems to be working fine, or that we paid good money for that mattress upstairs, so why are we not contributing in a meaningful way to the wearing out of said mattress.  The last comment is never acknowledged, and I'm shamefully relieved by that.

But, a horse playing the piano.  Who'd come up with that?  A monkey playing the piano maybe, as they have fingers and a bit of a brain, but a horse with hooves and all that?  Such a disadvantage.  Like white guys in the NBA.

Bad pianists are said to play "like they have gloves on".   But at least there is theoretically some separation of the digits.  A horse may have a large reach; perhaps an octave plus for a big horse, but he'd (she'd) be playing all the keys between as well and it would sound like a two year old with very big hands, but less mental acuity. 

Let's imagine for a moment that horses care at all for music.  What kind of music would a horse like to play if we allow for some kind of cosmetic hoofectomy-type surgery?  

Horses, small of stature might like to make some kind of Napoleonic statement and play Wagnerian operas, though they might fail to appreciate his shifting tonal centers.  Wagner would be popular with horses of all statures though, as his were the tunes that Hitler liked to tap his jackboots to, and Hitler loved his horse "Night Light", and Wagner kind of looked like a horse.  

Young boy horses might get together in small groups and try desperately to look cute as they did very basic and stupid love songs while appealing to the underdeveloped minds of young fillies with the objective of a getting a little under age under the tail action. ( given the girl horses were in season ).

Songs that were actually about horses like "Wild Horses" or " The Old Grey Mare", might be popular.  There's "Get off my Back" for militant horses and "Wildfire" for the poor horses with a tragically tin ear.  

But my point is this...

Sorry, got to go.  "Beach Blanket Bingo" is coming on with Annette Funicello and Frankie Avalon.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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