Written by Matt Brown
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Sunday, 7 April 2013

image for From rags to stitches ''Wish you were here?''

Rupert was a man from the back streets of Kensington. He lived out of a modest five bedroom apartment and survived on a mere £200,000 per year. Unfortunately for Rupert his world soon became shattered and broken and he could no longer afford a nanny to look after Francesca and Tarquin so he decided to feed the nanny to his 500ft long tarantula's. The tarantula's were highly maintained and demanded to be groomed daily. They were also allowed access to Rupert's Ferrari Testerossa and holiday home in Tuscany.

After these setbacks he decided to turn towards alcohol which eventually transformed him into a bitter and twisted old wreck. Soon after he decided to start searching the nearaway beach for cheap hits of cocaine. On these journeys he would regularly glaze into the windows of the funeral parlours which had started to colonise Great Brittle from the shores of Frances very own town of Nice. To stop himself being so forlorn and out of it he'd pawn one of the 4 rolex's he had on his wrists to buy tickets for mime and circus acts down at the pier.

After spending about a year contemplating suicide but never having enough people around to pay attention to it, he stumbled on a slice of luck and maybe he thought he wouldn't have to end it all at all. He was cleaning out the circus elephant's stable's when all of a sudden he spotted a shiny gold key encased in the dung of Alice, the elephant. Without hesitation, a moment to lose and even without a second thought he plunged his arm into the slimy stuff and pulled out the key of destiny. Alice later thanked him for removing the key as she probably would have eaten it again, and it always gave her terrible stomach cramps.

After spending a whole day drinking and watching tigers juggle motorbikes on a high wire, he went to bed and had seemingly forgotten about the key and the infectious ooze which was slowly taking hold of his immune system he went to sleep. Not thirty minutes later Gordon the Gorilla, who had been watching him from the corner woke old Rupert. Shaking him violently he said 'you fool take the key to the house of many mirrors'. 'There you will find a box, use the key to open the box and there my friend you will find your ticket to freedom'. 'Go quick'. With that Rupert leaped out of bed and ran out of the door. There was bad news for Gordon though as Cyril (the antichrist panda) had been standing behind him the whole time. Cyril blew his tops and shot Gordon in the back.

In the house of mirrors Rupert found himself confused (obviously). There were too many boxes and he didn't know which was to choose. Luckily for him stretch armless was shuffling past and began to thrust in the direction of the correct box. Rupert thanked him as he began to turn the key in it's lock. What Rupert saw cannot be spoken by man for as long as human history may last. Not really it was a scratch card from Tesco's and he had WON £25,000. He picked up the ticket and proceeded to fling himself down the road singing a merry tune although he did stop a bit to remove a pebble which had found its way into his shoe.

He cashed in for his winnings and started the long road to recovery. He went back to his wife (who had since remarried) and two young children. He decided that they should work in forestry. They agreed to this and they were soon shouting at great redwoods to fall down and b-sharp about it. He learned to be a magician within a week so turned his wife into a sloth. She now makes money down at the zoo by getting highly impressionable tourists to take pictures of her great big tooth.

With the spare money he had left he bought a pub in bulbous town slinging raspberry ravens and Gonorrhea gummies. Most nights he finds himself down at the local hospital covering for brain dead surgeons, he is well liked there as he brings everyone plastic water pistols and liquorice lips.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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