Written by Mr Anorchristic
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Saturday, 6 April 2013

image for Huhne Prison Diary Day 22 Chris Huhne's Open Prison Yesterday

Dear Diary,

Thank god I'm not in that hell-hole of a place Wandsworth anymore. It was a nightmare to be in there. All I could hear were the little lambs screaming every night and there was nothing that could take their screams away. Now all I can hear is their silence and it's so peaceful.

Now I'm residing at her majesty's pleasure in an 'Open Prison' which is completely different from Wandsworth as I can walk around freely and not be locked in my pad (cell) 23 hours a day and I can have more contact with the outside world. It's really lovely. I have made lots of new friends, most of them 'white collar' prisoners mostly convicted of fraud and perjury and had a private school education so we have a lot in common.

I like to walk around the gardens as I have been given the opportunity to plant some late flowers for the spring. Oh my, it is such a relief to be able to walk out in the open and breathe in the flowers and the fresh cut grass. It's funny when your locked away from the world… you almost feel 'human' again and see things from a different perspective, things that we take for granted on the outside (society). You know the little things you really appreciate, like expenses and power over the plebs. I will never look down on another human being again because I realise now that I have been ascribed to the lowest of the low, a convicted criminal.

I have been given a job working in the gardens which involves planting, hosing and generally sweeping up the prison grounds to keep them clean. The Governors a nice old chap, as she has a degree in criminology and psychology and she knows some of my old friends from childhood, so she's very helpful. I'm a 'high risk' prisoner because of my political connections so I have a 'helper' who cannot be named for legal reasons, to show me the ropes.

I wonder what Vicky is doing now in her cell? I wonder if she is wondering about wondering about wondering. I do that all the time when the lambs are not screaming.

As in Wandsworth everybody in here was 'fitted up' (arrested) by the 'old bill' (police) and 'sent down' (found guilty by a jury of their peers) and I truly believe that they are all innocent. I will be taking all their cases up and writing a strongly worded letter with the local MP to ensure their human rights are adhered to. Oh bugger, I am the local MP! I now know my calling in life. I will become a reformer for prisoner's rights and ensure that their rights in the ECHR are observed as they are all innocent of the crimes which they have been convicted for, even me.

I have been encouraged to run for the prisoner erections, sorry elections, for the position of Governors Personal Arse Licker or PAL for short. I have been told I have the necessary qualities so I will run my campaign on immigration as it's a 'safe' subject as law and order isn't my forte.

Well I will be off now as my new cell mate, who cannot be named for legal reasons, is playing his X-Box and smoking a massive joint whilst drinking brandy a shagging a prostitute we ordered through the mail.
Bye for now.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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