Written by Slante Dangle

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Wednesday, 27 March 2013

image for Technology News: The Top 10 Most Useless Mobile Phone Apps Sorry, this is the most up-to-date image of a mobile I could find

Sometimes it takes more than a boffin with a Mac to come up with a killer app idea. Here's a top 10 of the best of the worst apps ever to be released:

10. The 'Battery Monitor' App: designed to monitor the power usage of a phone's software and apps so users can make their battery charges last longer. The app consistently showed itself to be the biggest power drain. Verdict: Complete Power Failure.

9. The 'Does My Bum Look Big In This?' App: designed for ladies to take a picture of their bottoms and the app will rate whether their bum looks too big in their outfit. The app is based on logic and factual data so was always bound to fail. Verdict: Pile Of Arse.

8. The 'Photo-Me' App: based on the photo booths of the same name, this app costs £4.99 and gives you one chance to take a photo of yourself. Another chance costs another £4.99. Verdict: Annoyingly Realistic.

7. The 'Rate My Cauliflower' App: users can upload a picture of a cauliflower for other users to rate it. The global slump in cauliflower consumption has been blamed for the low uptake of this app. Verdict: Rotten.

6. The 'Underwater Camera' App: adds an effect to a picture to make it look as if it was taken underwater. Users confused the app as a way to take underwater pictures with their phones. Verdict: Costly.

5. The 'Can I Recycle This Plastic?' App: using a complex algorithm, this app helps determine whether a type of plastic packaging fits the exact chemical composition of plastic that will be accepted by any given local authority. The app is used to gather data and pictures of the plastic before a sample of it is sent in the post to be forensically analysed. The app is free and the postage is free but the forensic report is £500. Verdict: Just Bin It.

4. The 'Ticketmister' App: this app notifies you when you've missed out on tickets for a concert or event you were hoping to buy tickets for. Verdict: Just Plain Spiteful.

3. The 'Spelling Bee' App: the user is shown a correctly spelled word and is then asked to spell it. A paid version of the app shows longer words. Verdict: Disincomprehensible.

2. The 'Find My Phone' App: if a user loses their phone anywhere, this app will pinpoint it to a radius of 10 metres. The app must be connected to the user's home WIFI for it to work. Verdict: Lost Cause.

1. The 'Dealer Locator' App: users can see on the app's inbuilt map where the nearest drug dealer is to them. Requires the dealers to upload their locations. Verdict: Totally-wasted Opportunity.

If readers would like to see this top 10 in less detail, an app summarising these most useless apps will be available soon.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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