Written by CaptainSausage

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Tags: church, Pope

Tuesday, 19 March 2013

image for Pope on a rope The Vatican edition of "Where's Wally?" was somewhat less challenging

The new pope, Francis I, will have a full inbox as he settles into an unfamiliar position for him. That should however be no problem for a man who has worked his way up from the bottom as a choirboy, and can now command anyone in the whole Catholic Church to kneel before him.

There was some disappointment that a more radical choice was not made for the most powerful man in the ancient Bible-bashing cult. Archbishop Mark of Poland would have made an interesting Pope - he had promised free ice cream at mass, and often raps his sermons. Primate Adrian of Australia would have been not only the first antipodean pontiff, but also the first ape in the role.

Instead, the cardinals went for a traditional Pope who is likely to take an orthodox approach (but not Russian Orthodox). So we can expect more of the same arguments on gay marriage, gay priests, women priests, abortion and contraception to come up again and again. In a confusing statement on the issues, Pope Francis has already said he would favour abortions, but only for future priests born into a gay marriage.

The Catholic Church has been through a number of crises recently, not least of which is the shortage of funding. Historically the church's income has come largely from donations, collections at mass, and torturing people to give all their worldly possessions. In future it is likely that they will have to explore innovative new approaches to raising money such as nun-cams. Alternatively they could cut down on the free wine and bread.

The church will also need to find ways to appeal to a younger audience. Most youths these days are unlikely to want to read a 2000 year old book about an imaginary almighty being, especially since JK Rowling did it so much better. There have been suggestions that the Vatican might introduce a new "street" edition of the Old Testament, featuring a dreadlocked jive-talking Jesus who young people would find easier to relate to.

But no matter what he does, there's surely plenty for the new Pope to "pontificate" on.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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