Well I'm still alive believe it or not. Today I got some letters from supporters wishing me well. I am especially grateful for the letters from ex-offenders and jailbirds Lord Taylor and Jonathan Aitken and the advice they gave me. Today I am expecting a visit from my children so I have asked for a private room and the very kind screw (prison officer) told me to go away (fuck off).
My cell-mate, cannot be named for legal reasons, came back into the cell with a black eye and I asked him what had happened and cannot be named for legal reasons told me that he had been beaten up by a gang of men with beards as he refused to convert to Islam. Now I am not that religious and only pretend to be to woo voters but I'm sure that Islam has always been a religion of peace. I will write a strongly worded letter to my MP as I am outraged by the treatment of all these innocent people. Oh bugger, I keep forgetting, I am my MP!
I regret all the times I voted against making prisons better for prisoners, voting against prisoners rights to vote, voting against shorter sentences and voting for cuts in prisoner's education and denying them their basic human rights. Well, what goes around comes around and I'm sure I can pretend to care for those issues now.
I met the Governor today and by chance we both went to the same private school! I thought it was a stroke of luck but as it turned out I used to bully him and make him take the blame for bad things I had done. He told me that I would be sharing a cell with Dave the Schizoid Bum Flusher. Oh bugger.
I wonder what Vicky is doing now in Holloway Prison… I have been told that the broom handles have wooden blocks on the end so that they cannot…well you know what I mean. I have been doing a five finger shuffle (wanking) for a few days now.
Well, we had a nice dinner today, which consisted of chips, a slice of bacon, a boiled egg and 28 slices of bread. To be honest I have been so constipated I am finding it difficult to poo when there is somebody watching me.
I have been writing my memoirs and of course I will make it up as I go along. Nobody wants to buy a boring story on how I deceived the public and carried on working as an MP knowing I had broken the law for nearly 10 Years! God knows if they dig deeper and look into some of the contracts I awarded with certain companies. Bye for now.