Written by Mr Anorchristic
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Friday, 15 March 2013

image for Huhne Prison Diary Day 1 Chris Huhne in Prison Yesterday

Friday 15th 2013

Dear Diary,

Well I have survived a night in Wandsworth Prison and I haven't been beaten up yet. I'm 'padded' (sharing) a cell (toilet) with somebody who cannot be named for legal reasons but he's 'in' (convicted) for robbing old grannies for their handbags and seems quite harmless, and he had to get up in the middle of the night and have a very large poo (crap). Oh the indignity of having to smell cannot be named for legal reasons poo (crap) all night has been my worse experience so far. Plus the round hole in my two inch mattress kept me up all night and the clanging of the doors was frightening. I heard cons (prisoners) screaming from their windows 'your gonna be my new bitch Huhnie'. I wonder what they mean by that.

The tannoys call for breakfast this morning ORDER ORDER ORDER! Was so familiar I'm sure I have heard that some where before. Well, I had my breakfast this morning; we had chips, one slice of bacon, powdered scramble eggs and 28 slices of bread. Oh, the old days when I used to breakfast at the Savoy and then spend an hour drifting around parliament and then back to the mistress's house are so sharp in my mind. I was given a new toothbrush and a plastic plate and bowl, with plastic cutlery and a new pillow case. I was also given a prison survival guide on how to survive your first week in prison.

Rule number 1: 'NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES BEND OVER TO PICK UP THE SOAP IN THE SHOWER'. I wonder what one is to do if one drops the soap? I don't think that would be too dangerous.

Rule number 2: 'NEVER UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES OFFER TO IRON ANYBODIES SHIRT'. I also wonder what that would mean.

Rule number 3: DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES CONCEAL CONTRABAND IN THE CAVITY OF YOUR BOTTOM. I wonder what they mean by contraband.

Rule Number 4: DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES SPEAK TO ANYBODY WHO HAS A BEARD AS THEY MIGHT RADICALIZE YOU INTO ACTS OF TERRORISM. Well that's pretty straight forward.

Rule number 5: DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES BREAK THE RULES.

How ludicrous and archaic these prison rules are.
I went out for 'exercise' (walk in a circle for an hour) this afternoon and we had to work around in an anti-clockwise fashion.

I heard somebody call me 'New Fish' whilst licking his lips so I assume he used to be a fisherman. One thing I have learnt so far and I am utterly dismayed at the amount of miscarriages of justice's in here, as everybody I have met so far is innocent of any crimes. I will write to my MP straightaway and sort this out. Oh, bugger, I am my MP!

I feel like I have been in here for so long. I can relate to Nelson Mandela on just how he felt when he was sent to prison. I think I will write my memoirs so that I can cash in when I get out. Bye for now.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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