ROME, ITALY - Now ex-Pope Benedict XVI has given his first interview since retirement to Italian media channel "Televisio El Italiano" from his Roman mansion earlier today. The interviewer questioned him on such topics as "why the big hat?", "how do you wash the big hat?" and "can I have a big hat?" The Pope simply waved his hand and explained.
"My name is Cardinal Ratzinger, please. I am Pope no more. I have no big hat, I have no flowing dress or big gold stick."
Ratzinger then took the reporter on a tour of his mansion, built by "beautifully slim workers" in 1942. The tour included a walk through his vineyards thick with grapes, a nude dip in the swimming pool and a wine tasting session in his cellar adorned with art "procured at great expense and definitely not stolen from occupied countries during World War 2".
But the interview was not all smiles and skinny dips. The interviewer began to talk about the shocking events that have shook the Catholic Church to its core and turned many into cynical non-believers.
"I understand people's concerns, but what happened under the Borgia has nothing to do with me. The torture and killings and horrific moral failings were done by evil people in a private capacity during the 16th Century."
When the interviewer clarified he meant to hear Ratzinger's opinion on child abuse in the Catholic Church, the Pope's eyes glazed over and he looked sullenly out of the room's large stained glass window showing the German armies over-running Europe with tanks and planes and soldiers.
"Ach, that's nothing to do with me."
When probed for further answers, he put his fingers in his ears and said "la-la-la" for three hours.
"How will you spend your time now?" asked the interviewer.
"I plan on making a Youtube video every week showing me doing something that cool people like." responded Ratzinger.
"Things like going to a nightclub and throwing holy water on demon girls with short skirts, hang-gliding into a Protestant church and kicking a bunch of people, or doing a Gangnam style dance while overlooking the Holocaust."
The interviewer's final question was about what Ratzinger believed his successor would be like.
"Don't say I told you, but I hear he's a breakdancing cool guy with a sunglasses, a six pack and a bad 'tude. It's important we get more young people into the Church. Lots and lots of young people."
The interviewer pretended not to notice a drop of saliva fall from Ratzinger's lips and land on the small coffee table beside him made from the skulls of babies killed during the Crusades.