Written by Bunts

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Thursday, 8 March 2007

I live in Scotland, but want a job in London. What job should I get?

Fingers on buttons - these are my criteria:

  • I have no particular qualifications, but want a well paid job.
  • I wish to stay in London when it pleases me, but fly home (on expenses) when the mood takes me.
  • I want to draw as much in expenses - if not more - than my salary.
  • The person who pays my salary should pay for my mortgage on my second home - although I reserve the right to sell the house when I leave my job, and I pocket the profit.
  • I expect at least 3 months paid leave a year.

(Still not there? OK, we go on......)

  • If I don't turn up for work, I don't want any questions asked - I want to please myself when I work.
  • My wife - although she hasn't worked for years - should appear on my expenses as a Secretary.
  • I want a paid-for researcher so that I can, if I feel inclined, ask embarrassing questions of my paymaster.
  • I wish to open a 'local' office in Scotland, and expect this to be paid for - along with the telephone bills and postage, ad naseum.
  • I want to travel everywhere First Class, and expect these expenses to be met.
  • When I get promotion I want a chauffeur driven car to pick me up in the morning and take me to work.
  • If I fancy a break, I expect an all-expenses paid fact-finding foreign trip, even though the facts are freely available on the internet.
  • I want a heavily subsidised canteen at work, with no silly 'drinking hours' laws to apply. And no boring restaurants - I want a choice of about 15-20.
  • I never want to pay for a postage stamp again, all the time I am in office. Neither do I expect to pay telephone bills.
  • I expect an above-inflation pay rise.
  • Although I get the job for my knowledge, I want to bring in consultants, paid for.
  • I want to live my life in private without intervention. If I choose to leave my wife, go with hookers, smoke pot, go 'dogging', or pay for 14 year old call-boys, this is my private business.

So what job do you suggest I take up?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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