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image for Pope Emeritus Top Gear special for Easter Pope in a reasonably priced car - drag race

The BBC are delighted to advertise (every hour on the hour for the next 4 weeks), a blockbuster Top Gear 'special' for Easter, to be screened on Good Friday.

During an action-packed hour and a half the team have an engineering challenge titled 'Pope my ride' where they take a Subaru and convert it to an open-topped golf cart with armoured glass windows, then race their creations through the streets of Essex. Extra points are awarded for 'bling' and as usual the boys go too far and hilarity ensues.

After a prolonged, contrived and flawless stream of swearing by Clarkson, the pontiff performs an exorcism while Jeremy's co-presenters make hilarious quips. James May pretends to be a tedious twat, by wearing sandals, a woven headband and a white robe, chuckling affably that he hasn't come in 'fancy dress'.

Despite not having a driving licence, Benedict uses his own vehicle for 'fastest pontiff in an reasonably priced car' managing the circuit in under 55 minutes.

Hammond does his best to appear 'cute' until Benedict accidentally steps on him and then apologies profusely. A drama then unfolds where the viewing public are left in some doubt as to whether he can possibly survive his horrific injuries. He then pops up at the end of the programme as perky as ever, while Clarkson is a tad subdued and never mentions the incident again.

There were suggestions that the programmers were going to achieve the ratings coup of a 'Good versus Evil' race around the Top Gear track, pitting the ex-pontiff's driving skills against that of ex-PM Tony Blair.

The Top Gear top team are disappointed to announce that, unfortunately his excellency had to decline. "He wasn't too bothered about Tony, but he admitted that nothing in his papacy had prepared him for the horrific spiritual challenge of being in the demonic presence of Cherie Blair".

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