President Obama addressed assembled reporters in the Rose Garden today.
I have just sent American troops on a vacation to Niger. And while there they will be changing that country's name to one that accurately reflects its true beauty and greatness. One that brings to mind thoughts of wonderful people living in a land flowing with milk and honey-nuts.
We have been fighting a war for a long time in the United States, the War On Stereotypes. And no, I am not talking about Sonys and Panasonics with monster cables connecting them to woofers that would make the crackers wonder who let the big dogs out. Nor am I speaking of the genetic super-ability of Koreans and Indians to run convenience stores and hotels. I am talking about names that bring to some minds, upon the hearing of them, thoughts that will get you in trouble with the Thought Police.
When I hear of the country of Niger, please excuse my use of that name, I imagine myself reclining in a lounge chair in a desert oasis filled with beautiful dark-skinned short-skirted girls climbing up coconut trees to retrieve fresh coconuts for my Coconut Daiquiri. I also imagine bare breasted girls fanning me with palm leaves as I sip my drink while two other completely nak...uhummmmm...sorry I got carried away there for a minute.
So when rednecks, as an example, while driving down a dirt road to nowhere in flyover country hear on their pickup truck radios that I have sent our soldiers on a vacation to Niger, sorry again, they will immediately spit their chewing tobacco out the window and the wind will carry it into their poor dogs face. They will be imagining our soldiers chasing around a bunch of camel-jockies with their Humvees across the desert sands and shooting them up with the same assault weapons that I will not allow rednecks to own. All so that I can get my hands on mass quantities of uranium. These incorrect thoughts of the rednecks when they here the name Niger, sorry, are the stereotypes that I have declared war on and have sent my drones across the skies of America to punish.
I have sent our troops on a vacation to what is now and hereafter to be called Cherrioes. A name that will bring to mind thoughts opposite of those illegally previously imagined by people such as rednecks and bible-thumpers when they heard its old name which I cannot seem to remember now.
Our troops have already posted billboards in Cherrioes to let the people know that the name of their country has been changed by my benevolence. And now one of our first nation building projects, which was actually begun last year and is almost completed, is the construction of a thirty-six hole golf course and country club designed by Wiger Toods. Wiger and I discussed the finishing touches last weekend and that is why I ditched you all back in Washington. Ha Ha. It is going to have an outer-space theme. All of the holes will be named. The first hole will be named after me,"Ace in the Hole", because I am Americas greatest secret superhero and the 36th hole will be called the "Black Hole" because when your ball goes into the hole you never get it back, just like social security taxes. To reverse the years of gender and age discrimination at country clubs here in the United States all of the country club employees in Cherrioes will be young women.
Cherrioes is a victory for Progressivism and the War On Stereotypes. The wonderful people of Cherrioes will now have great self-esteem and will love me for helping them into the group of First World nations. I will be visiting our troops in Cherrioes for two weeks in March to receive the adoration of the liberated young ladies at the Cherrioes Country Club. The First Lady will unable to go with me because I have already scheduled her to go back to Clinton, Mississippi to help those fat redneck kids with their addiction to deep-fried pork skins. She will introduce them to the mandatory school lunches of sprouts and tofu burgers five days a week. Thank God I am going to be busy in Cherrioes. God bless America. And that ends my remarks. Good day.
The President answered the cereal-minded reporters questions about the danger of uranium deposits in Cherrioes by shuffling his feet and swinging his bent arms back and forth while repeating the mantra,"Milk-n-honey, milk-n-honey, milk-n-honey" in imitation of a locomotive as he choo-chooed back into the Oval Office.
According to an anonymous source in the White House, Michelle Obama greeted Barack as he re-entered the Oval Office. While giving him the evil-eye she demanded to know what he was going to be doing in Cherrioes for two weeks. To which he replied,"Nuttin Honey."