Here's an oxymoron for you: Useful Celebrity. There are gradations of uselessness in the celebrity world of course. It is, as you know, a scientifically proven fact that most celebs are Useless.
Some are Totally Useless.
There is an unfortunate group who come under the heading Even More Useless Than An Inflatable Dartboard.
Let's turn to this last group. I've given a small amount of my valuable time (let's say 20 minutes) to investigating the relative strengths and weaknesses of these poor souls.
I've come up with some Alternative Careers for them.
Gordon Ramsay: Prison Officer
Charmless nature; overbearing attitude; intimidating physical presence: Ramsay's made for a career in the prison service. He could model to the inmates how bullying, egotism and a foul mouth can help you to frighten vulnerable people. How satisfying it would be for him to observe a prisoner rejoining society armed with these behaviours. He could reflect on a job done. "Yes. I've made a real f*cking difference," he'd say.
Cheryl Cole: Hair Stylist
All that big, bouffant hair: Cheryl's missed her professional calling. She knows how to curl, colour, lift, twist and shine. She can put her hair in places that make her the clear frontrunner in progressive hairstyling circles. Women and men would be queuing up for a cut and blow from the Big Hair Queen. She'd have salons all over the world called Hey Hair, Geordie Girl!
Louis Walsh: Little Plastic Meercat From A Cornflakes Packet
It's a challenging career move, I grant you. But he has all the necessary characteristics. Plasticity; small stature; a tendency to attract ridicule. This is perhaps the perfect humanoid-type position for Walsh. The job spec isn't demanding. Standing on a shelf possibly. Or being cut into bits by a fractious child.
Ricky Gervais: Refuse Collector
This career shift so needs to happen. Gervais' relentless spewing of crass and talentless television scripts needs to stop now in the interests of mental health. He has so clearly ignored his true vocation that his high profile in the media disturbs on every level. This man's work environment should be centred in garbage. Consuming it and being consumed by it. Normal refuse collectors are decent human beings who remain uncontaminated by the content of wheelie bins. By contrast, the shit would stick to Gervais like iron filings to a magnet.
Mel B (Scary Spice): Traffic Warden
I've observed this woman in various settings: X-Factor judge; Spice Girl reunions; 'relaxing at home' in L.A. It makes no difference what she's doing. Mel B lacks talent, humour and compassion across the board. With her explosive temper and ruthless streak, however, she would flower into a highly successful Traffic Warden. I'm surprised the Job Centre didn't steer her in the direction of this noble profession years ago. Get over yourself love. You can't sing.
Peter Andre: 'Ken', Barbie's Boyfriend
There may be some truth in the rumour that this man is a harmless and peripheral human being. He needs to get the hell out of our faces, however, and find a more fulfilling role in society. Here it is. Being Ken. Surely the perfect position for this airhead. Lots of cute outfits; a gorgeous blond bimbo for a girlfriend and absolutely no commitments in the real world. It's a plastic heaven.
These are my proposals so far. So much more to do.