Terrible summer blockbuster 'The End' is due to hit cinema's this week and critics are already panning the film with respected popcorn cruncher Roger Ebert describing it as 'just three hours of credits', albeit the most thrill inducing, stomach churning, tear jerking, laugh out loud three hours of credits ever. German director Uwe Schmitz retorted that 'yes it is three hours of rolling credits, but this film is more about what you don't see rather than what you do'. 'With this film I have attempted to recreate some kind of allegorical, metaphysical, figurative triumph of cinematic achievement only previously matched by my 1975 short film, 'closed captions of the 3rd kind'. 'It will give you a sense of what the universe was like before the big bang but at the same time it will be like eating a huge ice-cream sundae full of LSD'.
Many casual fans have asked 'why are there no guns?' Schmitz believes that guns would cheapen and tarnish his masterpiece leaving him with a taste of dog stank in his mouth. 'I am not some monster who is eager to make a quick buck out of a few loud bangs and fast car chases '. If I wanted that then I've got Clint Eastwood on speed dial, he's willing to do anything after his republican convention fiasco'. 'I want my fans to leave the movie feeling wholly self-actualized and like they could melt into a waterdrop at any second and it would just be completely cool for them to have a multi-coloured disco raindance right there in the street, or maybe they could transform into a 50ft sandman who is your bodyguard, whatever you know it's all up to the individual'.
Regardless of how the film fairs producers 'sticky floor studios' have written a cheque for $400m to allow Schmitz to produce another 5 iterations of these madcap adventures. We caught up with Schmitz just as he was having his gold encrusted Alsatian engraved and we questioned him about his plans for his forthcoming sequel amid claims that it will include a psychedelic tambourine solo from Alan Titchmarsh and an aggressive reading of Egyptian funerary text 'Book of the Dead' from Dame Judi Dench which promises to scare the pants off of viewers. 'My budget for this movie allowed me to have some real pulling power with regards to the cast'. 'Dame Judi can be a real bastard at the negotiation table but we got her after promising not to go public with her plot to blow up all the other Dame's because she is the only one who can ruin a Bond erection in one look'.