Written by M Scarlet
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Wednesday, 6 February 2013

Everyone knows that I'm an extreme conservative. I'm the kind of hard stomping guy usually depicted in Super Bowl Truck commercials. I drive my Ford F350 from my house in the suburbs to my high impact job as an Accountant downtown.

Today's hero of Freedom is conservative Radio sensation Alex Jones. Alex is the kind of hard hitting conservative who wanted to deport suspected Redcoat Piers Morgan for being against pro-gun America. He colorfully screamed at Piers, "1776 will happen again if the government tries to take away America's guns!"

It's a hard point to argue. Mostly because of how amazing it is that he can scream for 3 minutes without taking a breath. He's a loss to America's Got Talent.

His newest conspiracy theory is that the government is putting "chemicals" in juice boxes to make children gay. You might ask yourself, "What chemicals make someone gay?"

I've lived near Palm Springs for several years so I have some expertise on this subject. My best guess would be a sinister cocktail of glitter, ground up disco balls, diet pills and cocaine. The better question is, "why?"

Alex theorizes that this evil cocktail will make it so people won't have children. Why the liberal power elite want people to have fewer children is something Alex doesn't go into. Still, it's a terrifying thought. What makes this story even more damning is that Alex has proof! In the clip he cuts open a juice box to expose the plastic inner lining which is apparently loaded with the Chemical Cocktail of Fabulousness.

Mr. Jones goes on to paint the picture for his listeners, "After [Little boys] are done drinking the juices, they're ready to put together a garden of roses…[they're] ready to go put lipstick on…"

It's a scary image. It's hard to tell if Alex is seeing the future of America's feminization, or having a flash back to a Twisted Sisters concert from the 80's.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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