Written by Olive Pepper
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Sunday, 27 January 2013

image for The Right to Bear Arms: What's It All About? Don't you just hate all the chest-thumping?

I keep hearing all these mean people yelling about this right to bear arms and I just don't understand why they all have their undershorts in a knot over it. Like someone's going to take their arms away from them! What, are they going to pull them out of their sockets? I don't think so!

I just don't know what to think of all that flag waving and chest thumping. If you want to do some good, I would get rid of all those people's chests! That way they won't have anything to thump when they start going on about this right to bear arms business! If it would shut them up, I'd even be willing to give up my chest! It's nothing but an annoyance to me anyway. My boyfriend's always grabbing at it and strangers are always staring at it. Believe me, I'd me perfectly happy to go without it for a while, even the rest of my life as long as there's not some big hole left there instead! That would just be gross!

Of course, they could be talking about the right to bear arms--you know, the animal kind? But I'd like to see someone try and take those things away from a bear! Believe me, it wouldn't be the bear that walks away without his (her?, it's?) arms! Hah! I know who'll get the better of that fight!

Come to think of it, I wouldn't mind having the bear decide whether these people can bear arms. Maybe it'll teach these jerks a lesson, the way they're always waking around in a huff, sometimes with guns strapped to their legs! What's that all about? It's not enough to be a complete jerk and wave your sign around, you also have to carry a gun, as if someone's going to try to take your arms away? I mean, really, what are you going to do, shoot them? "Hey, I'm here to take your arms!" "The hell you are!" Blam!

I don't even want to go there. it's just so ridiculous. People should just calm down and get a grip. We all have our arms. No one's going to take them away (especially if they're bear arms!) and in fact in solidarity we should all just bare them! Unless they're kinda fat, with that flabby skin that bounces around. Maybe in those cases you'll want to do us all a favor and maybe keep them in a sleeve. Believe me, you'll be happier that way, too. I mean, it's not just for us you should do that; it's for yourself.

Frankly, when the weather's nice, I like to bare more than just my arms, if you know what I mean! That's when the living gets good: when the sun's shining, the sky's blue, and I'm just laying there getting a little brown from my head to my toes--and every place in between! Wink, wink! Ah, that's the living for me, and it sure would be a bummer if we had to take our arms out of that equation because we somehow lost the right to bear them. And that's why this whole debate is so silly. No one's going to take away that right, if for no other reason than, if we didn't have the right to have them, no one would be able to sign a law to take the right away! What are they going to use, their toes?! So, everybody should just relax, bare your arms--and anything else you want, for all I care (although I hope my neighbor, that big fat slob, isn't reading this)--and let' all just go out and soak up some sun. Believe me, the world will be a much prettier place if we do that!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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