Written by CaptainSausage
Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Friday, 25 January 2013

image for British Innovation On Show Inventions? You couldn't make it up

Britain has always been a country full of ideas and inventions. It has long been an essential part of the economy, and never more so than in recent years. From the Dyson bagless suction hair dryer to the Dyson bagless sink unblocking suction device to the Dyson bagless bagpipe, Britain still has the innovative ideas which lead the world. Here we round up some of the great new ideas which are being exhibited in an international trade show called "Inventing Britain's Future".

Who doesn't have trouble getting up in the morning? For Jack Parsnip, it is a daily occurence. That's because he is an alcoholic and often falls asleep in awkward places around his home. On one such occasion he fell asleep across his kitchen worktop and oven. As he stirred in the night, he accidentally switched on the hob, which led to him scalding an enormous patch of his back. Thankfully the smell of his own burning flesh woke him up and he was able to reach a hospital before his burns became too bad.

Since then, Mr Parsnip has developed the oven alarm - a bed with a built in oven which gently burns the user awake in the morning. It is still undergoing safety testing but Parsnip is certain that by 2015 we will all be waking up to the sound of our skin roasting. Nobody will ever be late for work again.

Many of the inventions at this year's show are aimed at improving people's relationship with food. As the fattest in Europe, British inventors are ideally placed to exploit this captive market.

Hundreds of years ago, a Briton invented the sandwich, ensuring that food was easily accessible to anyone on the move. Stu Vegetable has a modern update on the idea with his invention of the portable trough. This handy device is worn around the neck and allows the wearer to graze away at whatever food they desire all day long, leaving their hands completely free. Mr Vegetable demonstrated the device while doing the washing up, typing a letter, and wrestling a donkey. It attracted a lot of interest and it surely won't be long before we see people wearing these in the street.

Another food-related device in the exhibition could help those who eat too much. Susan Evil has invented the throat outlet intake switch, a biomechanical gadget which she has surgically implanted into her husband, Donald. A switch on his chest controls the flow of food into his body. When set to normal mode, food goes into the stomach as usual. The other setting is expel mode, when any food ingested through the mouth will come out of a hole in his chest and into a pocket of a "food waste bra" he is wearing. This allows the user to eat as much as they like without getting fat but still enjoying the taste and sensations of eating.

Susan Evil is currently in talks with Stu Vegetable to see if the throat outlet could be combined with the portable trough, effectively allowing someone to continually eat the same food over and over again. They agree the idea is possible but thought the food might lose some of its freshness after passing through the mouth and throat a couple of times.

A final food-related invention may help make that palatable. Gerald Dustbin's Flavoursome Food Face Injection System (c) means that you never need worry about tasteless food again. Simply inject your face with this magic formula while eating, and it will taste as heavenly as unicorn meat. Mr Dustbin fed members of the audience a variety of objects - cardboard, dust and even hair clippings - while injecting their faces with his wonder invention and they all declared the items to be utterly delicious.

Is a combination of all three food inventions possible? Only time will tell. Whatever happens, it is clear that Britain is still a centre of innovation and invention, and our future economy looks secure.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

70 readers are online right now!

Go to top