Written by Danny Buckle
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Tags: Politics, UKIP

Friday, 18 January 2013

image for UKIPIA 1 - Victory

Banging

Ziggy was woken by the sound of hammering on the door. He plodded sleepily downstairs in his thunderbirds pyjamas and opened the door to find the deputy head of UKIP Ted Knacker shouting through the letter box. He continued shouting through the letterbox even though the door was open.

"Ziggy we have won". Ted screamed. Ziggy was startled by the flashbulbs from the myriad of photographers outside his house. Reporters rushed forwards trying to be the first to interview the new Prime Minister of Great Britain. Ted eventually realised his chosen form of communication was no longer practical when he was dragged inside by Ziggy who slammed the door shut on the reporters.

Victory

"Ziggy we have won the election. UKIP are now running Britain." Ted's hysteria was infectious and instantly both men were doing a jig in the hallway whilst singing the theme tune to Dad's Army which happened to be the official UKIP song.

This was everything Ziggy had dreamt of. He had never given up on the idea that one day he would lead his party to victory. People would right songs about him and build statues to pay homage to Ziggy Cabarge.

After their initial excitement Ziggy and Ted retired to the kitchen to celebrate with a nice cup of English tea. Ziggy drank from his favourite girls aloud cup and Ted from his tin helmet.

Early Years

Ziggy looked wistful as he recounted those troubled early years. He stared at his six foot by four foot picture of the Mohne dam in full flood taken shortly after the Dambuster raid. "I can't believe it Ted; who would have thought all those years ago when we were at rock bottom after being thrown out of the English Defence League that we'd form our own political party and win an election". Ted had never really got the hang of slurping his tea from his helmet and the hot beverage was running down the front of his tunic. "Do you recall our first meeting" said Ziggy. Ted nodded and the two men were transported back in time like it was yesterday.

FLASHBACK

Ziggy was standing tall and proud as he addressed the crowd for the swearing in ceremony of their new party in the upstairs function room of the Golden Lion, Hackney. The crowd were an eclectic bunch. No one could accuse UKIP of being bland. Among them were racists, bigamists, homophobes, Europhobes, wife beaters and men accused of sheep worrying. There was even a contingent from alcoholics anonymous who had fallen off the wagon after being convinced by the Europhobes that sobriety was an EU ploy to stop the British enjoying their ancient right of getting pissed.

Deomocratic

"Now what are we going to call ourselves?" asked Ziggy. "We are a libertarian democratic party so let's have some suggestions from our members and then I'll decide". There was silence for two and three quarter hours as the members tortured their brains for an answer but no one had a clue. "Alright said Ziggy lets think about what we believe in and see if that helps". Unanimously the crowd shouted "we hate foreigners" A democratic discussion lasting five minutes took place where Ziggy was the only one speaking. It was concluded that they wanted Independence. From what, no one really knew but it had something to do with that EU lot who wanted to stop them running their own show. And so UKIP was born to fight for the freedom of all British people except the gay ones and the none white ones.

Image

Ted suggested that they should do something about their image to stop people accusing them of being fascist. "Let's have some suggestions from our members then" Said Ziggy. A man near the front said. "We should probably shave off our toothbrush moustaches"

"Good idea" Said Ziggy.

"That goes for the female members too" Added Ted.

"Any more ideas" Ziggy asked. A man towards the back shouted. "The Swastika armbands are a bit of a giveaway." There was a lot of moaning from the crowd but Ziggy managed to convince everyone that it was in the interests of the party to fool the public into thinking they were normal human beings.

BACK TO THE PRESENT

"Ah those were the days" said Ted stroking his pet cricket he kept in a match box that wasn't really a cricket. It was just a small stick but it seemed to give him so much comfort that Ziggy hadn't the heart to tell him. "What shall we do first leader?"

Single Market

Ziggy put down his mug, stood up, took a deep breath and drew inspiration from his Barns Wallace poster and said "Do what we set out to do Ted. Let's call the president of the EU and tell him to stuff his single market up his arse."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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