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Wednesday, 16 January 2013

image for The Hipster Archaeologists Hipster archaeologists - punchable

Most people think of archaeology as a boring pastime only pursued by beardy wankers with a bone fetish, and they would be mostly correct. But there are a new breed of archaeologists, who are overturning the stereotype, and are pretending that it is fashionable to study old buried things. They are the "hipster archaeologists".

Jon L' is one of them. He studied archaeology at the London School of Art, then dropped out after discovering that he was too arrogant for the course. He is now a hipster archaeologist and working on a dig in his uncle's vineyard near Boulogne.

Last week, he uncovered a remarkably well-preserved skeleton, which he believes belonged to a Roman centurion who was possibly also Emperor and may even have been an alien from outer space.

He explains, "We found markings on the skeleton - what looked like bullet holes in both kneecaps. Even more extraordinarily, we found something resembling bullets next to the holes."

Other archaeologists have argued that clearly if the skeleton was from the Roman era then they couldn't have been real bullets. But L' is not so sure. "There are only two possible explanations. Either the Romans had some kind of primitive gun-like weapon, or else the man was buried with the bullets as a kind of religious ritual."

"Or it could have all been set up by aliens," he added.

Perhaps harder to explain are some of the other artefacts found on the man's body - particularly the wristwatch. L' says that the watch "definitely points towards the Romans being much more advanced technologically than previously thought. Or else they were in touch with aliens."

This is not the first ground-breaking archaeological dig L' has carried out on his uncle's vineyard. Last year, he found the remains of a large quadruped about the size and shape of a horse, buried in a wooden coffin.

About that discovery, he declared, "Obviously we are dealing with a totally new species here. These dino-donkeys, as I have called them, must have been fairly intelligent. They practised ritual burial and probably worshipped a giant sky-donkey."

Confusingly, there was a piece of cloth buried with the animal which L' was not able to fully explain. "There was this cotton sheet with the letters 'SHERG..' on it. I mean obviously these creatures wouldn't have spoken English so there's no point trying to read any meaning from it. But I think that this is almost conclusive proof of aliens."

Jon L''s uncle has said that Jon will have to leave the vineyard by the spring, because he can't afford to buy him any more expensive organic juice. L' has said that his next dig will be an excavation of his mother's back garden in Chelsea, London, where he believes he might find the remains of Henry VIII's pet cat wrapped in a plastic bag placed there by aliens.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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