Written by Tommy Twinkle
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Monday, 7 January 2013

image for Ron and Fred on Crisps! Many choices but still no silent flavour!

FRED: Crisp?

RON: What are they, cheese n onion?

FRED: Nah, barman said they're all out ov cheese n onion. All 'e 'ad was salt n vinegar, or ready salted.

RON: I'll av one if it's plain.

FRED: Nah, these are salt n vinegar, Ron.

RON: Oh, you should av got plain, I would av ad one or two ov 'em if yed got a packet of plain crisps.

FRED: So go n buy yerself a packet of plain ones then. Barman said they've got plain ones. Go on Ron, go n get yerself some.

RON: Nah, too dear. I don't want a full packet. I would av liked one or two ov 'em though.

FRED: (crunch).

RON: Crunchy are they?

FRED: Yeah.

RON: 'Course, yer don't wan' 'em t' be too crunchy, 'cause they can scratch the top ov the ol' palate when they're too crunchy.

FRED: (crunch). Very crunchy these are, Ron.

RON: What, like crunchy, crunchy, or 'ard crunchy?

FRED: Crunchy, crunchy. (crunch).

RON: They sahnd more 'ard crunchy t' me Fred. If I were you I'd take a little sip o' beer wiv 'em just t' be on the safe side, soften 'em up a bit, like.

FRED: (crunch).

RON: Do they sell nuts up at the bar?

FRED: They've got nuts up there, yeah. Go n get yerself some nuts, Ron. Can't eat nuts meself 'cause I can't bite 'em wiv me dentures.

RON: Always looked after me teef I av. Sharp as a shark's mine are. Trubble is little bits of the nuts get stuck in between 'em, Fred. Very annoyin' that is when a little bit ov nut gets stuck in between me teef. Then I spends ages tryin' t' push it out wiv me tongue. Nah, I won't bovver t' get a bag o' nuts, Fred.

FRED: (crunch).

RON: It's abaht time they came out wiv a bloody silent flavour. All I can 'ear is crunch, crunch, bloody crunch.

FRED: Sorry. Noisy eater. That was why me wife left me.

RON: Can't say I blame 'er!

FRED: See, I used t' get 'ome from work n sit dahn wiv me dinner in the front room abaht alf' six when Crossroads would be comin' on the telly. She'd say she couldn't 'ear what Noele Gordon was sayin'.

RON: Cor, that's goin' back a bit, Crossroads.

FRED: No videos back then, see. I reckon we'd still be t'gether now if she'd bin able t' record it. Yeah, Noele Gordon broke up my marriage she did (crunch).

RON: Oh go on then, giv us a crisp.

FRED: Oh, Ron, I've only got one left now.

RON: That's alright, I only want one.

FRED: You're not avin my last crisp, go n buy yer own.

RON: Sod yer then. You're a right greedy pig you are.

FRED: You should've taken one when it was offered. Go n buy a packet when yer get the next rahnd in.

RON: I aint got money to go wastin' buyin' bleedin' crisps. I only wanted one of 'em. I would've let you av my last crisp, Fred. I'm very, very disappointed in what I've fahnd out abaht you today. I am. I would've gladly given you my last crisp until t'day, but that's your lot mate, never again. Cor, t' fink its taken me all those years t' finally discover exactly what you're really like.

FRED: Well you still aint gettin' this one. (CRUNCH) Too late nah anyway, its gone.

RON: I 'ope it chokes yer! Right, I'll av a tinkle then go n get me rahnd in.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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