After three years of phone hacking, hiding in playground shrubbery and hundreds of inconclusive photographs, today we are finally interviewing very Frank. He has kindly agreed to talk to us on the proviso that he can stuff his face choc-full of Turkish delights throughout the entirety of the interview. At certain points of the interview we may have to adjust the height, weight and circumference of Frank's words as very Frank is a man of little voice and he needs as much help as possible in attempting to get the truth across. Very Frank requested that we meet him at a super-swish upmarket apartment on the banks of the River Thames.
After spending most of the last five years under constant press speculation about his links to the poisoned gummi-bear scandal Frank was eager to talk to us and clear his name, so we waited with baited breath. We waited, waited and waited some more but Frank wasn't there.... We then received a text message from him which appeared to be some kind of detailed cryptic code composed of x's, d's, colons and brackets. We deciphered that only a moron could understand it so asked our YTS what it meant and he informed us that Frank now wanted to meet us the following day in Hyde Park.
When we finally met up with Frank he had his back to us and although it wasn't immediately clear, he appeared to be vigorously attempting to blow up some type of inflatable, and was rather enjoying himself in the process. As he slowly but slowly turned around we braced ourselves for the bratwurst. Our apprehension soon dissipated however as it turned out Frank was merely struggling with the zipper on his trousers.
Frank's appearance seemed to have altered since the last time he was seen in public. His face looked to have taken on the appearance of the late Dame Rusty Gate. He exuded a beige like hue and spoke in angelic tones which instantly put you at ease. We offered him a stick of his favourite drag 'wallborough coughing fits', but he turned it down. This was a very different Frank to the one we had all grown accustomed to, in attitude and appearance. He sported a long beard, wore a velvet overcoat with slacks and yellow clogs which could be heard for miles around. He seemed to have aged badly and by now he had started to recede considerably, so we had no choice but to resort to shouting. We asked him to come back but he said that this was the only way.
Without further ado, he is the transcript of what Frank may or may not have said, I don't know because he was stood about a mile from me, it was a windy day and I'd recently had a vastectomy, so was feeling vulnerable.
'Things that happen' - 'What have these past five years been like for you Frenk?'
Frank - 'It's a nightmare you know, people just instantly assume that what I say is the truth somehow. I've tried stand-up comedy but all I get is blank looks. I told my next door neighbour I spy on her at night as a joke. She slapped me and called the police. You just can't win'.
'Things that happen' - 'What do you think is the real problem that people have with you Fronk'?
Frink - 'Well there have been times when folks have accused me of being 'too Frank' and I just can't get my head around that I really can't. How can I be too much of myself'?
'Things that happen' - 'Very true, it is a real dilemma'.
I now asked Frank if there was any particular points which really stand out for him as being a little too below the belt, taking into account recent events.
Frnak - 'People pretend to know what it's like but they don't have a clue. I heard Rupert Wednesbury III speaking on 'Question Time' last night. He said he'd like 'to be Very Frank for a second'. They are just mocking me, I know it! They have no idea'!
By this point I could see that Frank was beginning to get irate and all of his hair had fallen out. He had produced a tiny bit of saliva from his mouth which lay on his bottom lip and looked quite disgusting'.
Frank's most recent foray into the limelight has been as the face of the Government's 'anti-drug' campaign 'Talk to Frank' which replaced the failed 'talk to the hand' campaign of 2004. However after 'Gummi-Gate' in 2008 his reputation took a massive hit. He was dropped by major sponsors 'Poundstretcher', 'Halewood Book Store' and 'Help the Aged'.
His role as 'Frank' in the anti-dope commercials was taken up by David Mitchell who played 'Pablo the drug mule dog'. The campaign's premise is about a dog who gets stabbed to death in a cellar and then miraculously recovers to the point whereby he is able to go out and ask random strangers, including customs officers and arms dealers 'what's the big deal about coke?''. No, we don't get it either.Of this Frank notes that Mitchell (38, 5' 10'', non-smoker, enjoys long walks in a book) is a two-faced shit stirrer. He claims that Mitchell (38) is not the bashful, bright and deeply passionate man he portrays himself to be, rather he is a beer swilling lout who regularly ends his nights apoplectic on the snooker table of the dog and bone with several unconscious hookers strewn all over his naked body.
Frank was now frothing at the mouth so we decided to call it a day. Frank is a man of many mysteries and hopefully some day he will be sober enough to allow us the key to open up the box to some of those mysteries, but for now we will have to distract ourselves by gorging on bacon doughnuts. Yum