Written by Brett Taylor
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Saturday, 29 December 2012

Quentin Tarantino here, motherfuckers. Some people are saying my new movie Django Unchained takes a superficial view of history. They say my movies are about nothing, they're just a bunch of scenes I've recreated from older movies no one's ever heard of.

You want to see a movie about something? You want social significance? My new movie is torn straight from the headlines. It makes Steven Spielberg's Lincoln look like a piece of shit by a bunch of pussies. It makes Zero Dark Thirty look like it was made by a woman. Ben Affleck's Argo is pretty good, but what if it was made by a really cool director, like a Hong Kong director, like Ringo Lam. That's what this is like. It's still in development, but I'm going to do something I've never done before, and let you see a preview of the script. Here it is.

Quentin Tarantino's The Fiscal Cliff
Based on True Events, from an Idea by Roger Avary
Not Inspired in any way by any old Hong Kong movies by John Woo or anybody else

Japanese narrator: The round eyes were holding a summit. A big badass summit. All the important leaders were there. If they did not resolve the issues, the entire country would go off a cliff. They called this…THE FISCAL CLIFF. (Title appears in Japanese. Music from The Green Hornet plays.)

Barack Obama sits at desk, writing something. In walks John Boehner.

Boehner: Hello, Mr. President. You might remember me. John Boehner.

Obama: So. The Speaker of the Motherfuckin' House.

Boehner: I'm here on a peaceful mission. To resolve these momentous issues we face.

Obama: Yes. It's all a bit like a spaghetti western.

Boehner: You mean a Sergio Leone western?

Obama: I mean a Corbucci.

Boehner: I was thinking more along the lines of an Enzio Castellari western, if he directed any spaghetti westerns. Which I don't think he did.

Obama: I see you know your spaghetti westerns. In Kenya, they have a saying. A man who knows both spaghetti westerns and fiscal policy is a formidable opponent.

Boehner: Indeed.

Obama: Let me tell you a story. A long time ago, in Kenya, a poor villager wanted to buy his children a television set, so they wouldn't be deprived of all the great TV shows like Big Valley and High Chaparral and The Virginian. But he had no money. So he hatched a plan. He stole a precious diamond necklace from a pawn shop. He shoved that necklace up his ass. Not only that, but he had to shove it really far so the guards wouldn't find it. And he used the money from that stolen necklace, and he ordered a television set from an electronics company in Knoxville, Tennessee. Do you understand the concept of sacrifice, Mr. Boehner? Do you? Or are you merely one more honky bitch? In Japan, when a yakuza gangster wants to prove his willingness to sacrifice, he cuts off two of his fingers, and the other gangsters chop them up and eat them. There are no bitches among the yakuza. There are only gangsters and men.

Boehner: (Thinks for a long time): Mr. President, do you remember the show Soul Train?

Obama (face brightens, smiles): I certainly do.

Bohner: You remember what great dancers they were? Mr. President, I'm asking you to dance.

Obama: Truly, it was a great show. But you know, on that show they had all black people. But somewhere, in the center, they would sometimes have a white couple. Like, for diversity. Well, we all laughed at them back in Kenya. Their dance moves were totally off. They looked like chickens. They should have stayed on American Bandstand with that dorkass Dick Clark. Bad dancers do not belong on Soul Train.

Boehner: Mr. President, do I understand you correctly? Are you saying honkies can't dance?

Obama: I'm saying, if you want to dance with the president, you better know what you're doing.

Boehner: You'll find some honkies can dance. We just don't want to dance. Not with the likes of you.

Obama: You think you can keep me down on the plantation, bitch? Watch this. (Blows Boehner's head off with a revolver. Blood splatters all over the walls. The Secret Service rush in and Obama dismembers them with a samurai sword.)

Pretty fuckin' badass, huh? Who do you think should play Obama? Samuel Jackson, Jamie Foxx? Not Denzel Washington, he makes too many lame movies. And Boehner? Not John Travolta. I found out he's gay. You might see a gay man in a Tony Scott movie, that's okay, you won't see a gay actor in a badass Tarantino movie. Let them have their Merchant-Ivory bullshit movies. It's gonna have cameos, Eli Roth, Robert Carradine, Lee Majors, the guy from Dr. Pepper commercials. I'll be playing Henry Kissinger, with Uma Thurman as my bitch. Watch for it next year.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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