Written by Patti Cake
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Monday, 24 December 2012

image for Jah-Who??????? Nicole gives the "thumbs-up" to Saltburn's finest

The ink has barely dried on James Arthur's contract and the nation is wondering how it is going to fill its Saturday nights until next September now that the X-Factor has finished (are we?). However, a much bigger question than that is troubling the nation's collective conscience (is it?) - or all those who didn't vote for him of course. What will happen to vertically challenged runner-up Jahmene Douglas?

There were rumours that Nicky Clarke was going to promote his distinctive hairstyle and call it the Jah-mane but that came to nothing when someone pointed out that the same effect could be achieved with a good quality black felt-tip pen and a steady hand.

Tracey Badmouth of Horley News (entertainment section) had this to say "I think in the final few weeks of the X-Factor it became clear that the writing was on the wall for Jahmene and where he did start out to be the favourite it soon became clear that perhaps the tide was turning in favour of miserable behemoth James. I mean everytime he appeared alongside James he seemed to have shrunk. I would say he was shrinking on average an inch or two per show. Even Louis Walsh was heard to say that he would have to up the stength of his contacts because he was having trouble seeing Jahmene onstage".

So what of Jahmene? It seems even his mentor Nicole Shitsinger has forgotten him. Since filming with James Arthur in his pub haunts for the show it is rumoured that she has gotten a taste for the amber nectar and can often be seen carousing the streets of Saltburn when the pubs turn out screaming the question "Jah-hoo?" at the top of her voice to anyone who asks after him.

And the little lamb chop himself? Well he will be spending Christmas as usual with his dysfunctional family in Swindon. Christmas dinner will be provided with compliments of Asda from their SmartPrice range.

Cyril Sneer, Jahmene's ex-manager at the local branch of Asda said "If no contracts are forthcoming for Jahmene there will always be a contract waiting for him here. Why, only last week old Fred Old one of our oldest and longest-serving shelf-stackers keeled over and died whilst working in the "past the sell-by date" section. Messy business but quite apt really when you think about it. Poor old Fred - such a nice old codger too! Anyway as a consequence we now have a vacancy if Jahmene is interested."

So there you have it. Has Jahmene had his 15 minutes of fame? Jahoo knows.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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