Written by Tommy Twinkle
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Wednesday, 26 December 2012

image for Ron & Fred On Royal Longevity! No Spring Chicken!

FRED: Allo, Ron. Happy Boxing Day. Pint's ready for yer on the table 'ere.

RON: Cheers Fred. Do much Christmas Day? Any visitors?

FRED: Nah, very quiet. Most ov my fam'ly died off years ago. Stuffed me face wiv turkey, watched the Queen's speech on the telly, then 'ad a few cans before fallin' a kip in me armchair.

RON: Same wivs my lot. Still the odd one dotted abaht 'ere n there but most ov 'ems bringin' up daises nah. Well, it's the old four score years n ten Fred innit. Course, there's a few ov us poor ones get t' see a few more years in nahdays fanks t' the medical advances n that butcha don't find many gettin' far past eighty, eighty-five top whack.

FRED: Very, very few (stares at ceiling).... They don't seem to die off though do they, them royals. They get the odd little fing goes wrong wiv 'em from time t' time, but the next fing yer know is they're comin' out ov 'ospital all smiles then goin' off on anuvver ov their 'olidays (still staring up at the ceiling).

RON: Watcha lookin' up there at?

FRED: Little bit ov red paper just there look, 'eld up by a drawin' pin. Guvnor's put up all 'is new Christmas decorations fer this year but left that bit ov red paper pinned up there from last year. Bin there all year that 'as.

RON: Mind you, guvnor's done a nice job o' the tree this year.

FRED: Oh yeah, tree's nice.... I mean, take that one we've got nah, I mean she's well on 'er way t' ninety but I reckon she's still got a few more years left in 'er yet.

RON: She gets all the 'elp goin' though. Top doctors n that. First in the queue for all the latest discoveries that lot are. People like us only get a look in at a tiny fraction of the fings they can do nah. They keep the best stuff for themselves. Soon as people like us need more than a Lem-sip they tick off all the boxes then stick us on that Liverpool Care Pathway.

FRED: The doctors av a little chinwag be'ind closed doors n say it's not worf the cost of feedin' any patients in that ward 'cause they're all over the age ov sixty.

RON: Liverpool Care Pathway - more like Liverpool couldn't care less pathway. I mean, no ones gonna try n tell me that lady in Buckingham Palace still 'as the same brain in 'er 'ead what she was born wiv. Still sharp as a razor she is. People don't av minds as sharp as that at 'er age unless fings av bin done.

FRED: Not only 'er brain, new spine annal I reckon 'cause whens yer finks abaat it Ron, she never seems t' get any back pains does she. I mean when was the last time they said on the news that the Queen's ad to cancel a bookin' 'cause 'er old back's playin' up?

RON: Not normal at 'er age it aint. Carbon fibre Fred, that's what it is. She's 'ad a carbon fibre spine put in. Prob'ly 'ad all the bones dun. Underneaf that wrinkly old skin she's built like a bleedin' racin' car she is.

Fred: I reckon they might av used iron fer the 'ands though because she always wears them gloves. Doctors prob'ly advised 'er not t' get 'em wet when wavin' out ov the limousine window at the crahds in case they'd go a bit rusty.

RON: Prob'ly 'ad 'er 'ands dun years ago, before they fand out 'ow t' make carbon fibre.

FRED: She does a lot of wavin', I 'av noticed that. I s'pose it's 'er way ov gettin' a bit of exercise.

RON: Yeah, underneaf that old tarpaulin there's a bleedin' racin' car there Fred, you mark my words.

FRED: Yer can't tell a book by its cover. Mind you, she's not exactly what you'd call springy.

Ron: Springy? Well, I s'pose there's some kind ov suspension they put in, replaced any worn out discs in the neck n that.

FRED: No, what I mean is she's not exactly a bouncy person. I know she's no spring chicken but given 'er age she should be even slower than what she is, but even so, she's not exactly bouncy.

RON: Makes out she aint, Fred. Deliberately slows dahn a bit when she's out in public. Soon as 'er n Philip get back indoors they're bouncin' up n dahn on a bloody trampoline like a cuppla kids they are.

FRED: I s'pose that's why they aint 'ad their faces changed.

RON: Be too obvious wouldn't it. Philip n 'er can 'ardly step out ov Buckingham Palace wiv faces lookin' younger than the ones they 'ad when they was teenagers. People would start askin' questions, 'what's going on there?' they'd ask.

FRED: Then we'd ALL want younger lookin' faces.

RON: You take it from me, Fred, they unzip them wrinkly faces n take 'em off as soon as they're back indoors. Take us for a bunch ov mugs they do.

FRED: Must really annoy 'er avin t' walk arand wiv a wrinkly face knowin' she's got a nice pretty one underneaf.

RON: Mind you, she wasn't much t' look at even when she was twenty-one, Fred.

FRED: Oh she weren't bad.

RON: Nah, not my sort.

FRED: I wonder if it's just 'er n Philip or if it's all ov 'em that gets the carbon fibre spines.

RON: Most if not all ov 'em, Fred.

FRED: D'yer reckon Philip 'ad a carbon fibre 'eart put in last year?

RON: I can't really answer that one, Fred. Might be some uvver stuff they use fer the pumps.

FRED: Sumfing more bendy, a good quality rubber. Dunlop, like.

RON: Fulda more like, Fred. Bound t' be German.

FRED: Seems a lot better since 'e 'ad it put in, dunnee. Less tired.

RON: S'prised 'e bovvered. Fort 'e was in a rush' t' be reincarnated as a deadly virus. She'll prob'ly come back as a bloody poltergeist!

FRED: Now, now, Ron. That's uncalled for. Just because they're first in the queue for the strong rubber 'earts and the carbon fibre spines don't make them bad people. She's a good person our Queen is. Humble. She said so 'erself in 'er Christmas Day speech on the telly. She admitted it'd taken a long time to 'appen but said she'd finally become a Humbled person this year.

RON: Humbled this year? Rumbled more like!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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