Written by Abel Rodriguez
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Monday, 17 December 2012

image for Christmas Gifts For Hollywood Celebrities A Christmas photo of Bedroom Pillow Talk reporter Carolina Chipotle. (Photo courtesy of Rico Chorizo).

One thing that can be said about famous celebrities is that they pretty much have everything they've ever needed or ever wanted.

With the money they make on songs, movies, television, books, comedy performances, and commercials they could practically all retire and never have to pick up a guitar, a script, or a microphone ever again.

But of course, like 97.3 percent of them say it is not about the money, it is about the adulation they receive from their legion of fans.

They will tell you in a New York minute that it is also all about the awards they receive, the Oscars, the Emmys, the Grammys, and yes even the MTV Surfboards.

The Bedroom Pillow Talk Entertainment News Agency
would like to now present...

THE 2012 CHRISTMAS GIFTS FOR HOLLYWOOD CELEBRITIES

• Ashton Kutcher - A divorce from Demi Moore (finally!)

• Bristol Palin - A one-way ticket back to Wasilla, Alaska and the realization that she might as well forget about ever trying to force herself on the American television viewing audience.

• Chaz Bono - A diet that helps him lose 75 pounds.

• Chelsea Handler - A book on how to act like a lady.

• Cher - A self-removing tattoo kit since most of her tattoos are no longer recognizable.

• Christina Aguilera - The ability to push away from the breakfast table, the lunch table, and the dinner table.

• Demi Moore - A boyfriend who is older than her so she doesn't end up getting her butt dumped by yet another boy-toy.

• Dolly Parton - A scientific way to grow about 5 inches taller so she doesn't look like a white bowling ball with arms and legs.

• Donald Trump - At least 3 or 10 books on The Art of Humility.

• Gary Busey - A mirror and a hairbrush.

• George Clooney - With an amazingly erotically sexy girlfriend like Stacy Keibler, the dude doesn't need anything else!

• Hank Williams Jr. - The ability to filter his thoughts before his words come spewing out of his mouth and cause him untold embarrassment.

• Hugh Hefner - The newlywed needs Viagra. Cases and cases of Viagra.

• Jack Nicholson - (The number one Lakers fan). Season tickets to the Los Angeles Clippers.

• Jay Leno - A book on chin-reducing exercises.

• Kat Von D - More tattoo space.

• Kate Gosselin - A phone call from Russell Brand begging her to take him back.

• Ke$ha - An instruction manual on how to safely remove stubborn glitter from the crotch region.

• Kim Kardashian - A bigger butt, because Nicki Minaj has passed her up in that department.

• Kirstie Alley - A book on how to lose tons of weight and how to friggin keep it off, for goodness sakes!

• Lady Gaga - A costume that doesn't look like it was designed by a four-year-old.

• LeAnn Rimes - A bucket of chicken, some hamburgers, some hot dogs, some burritos, and any other food that will prevent her from looking like a 5-foot-5-inch tall white drinking straw.

• Lindsay Lohan - About seven pounds of common sense.

• Lisa Lampanelli - [SEE CHELSEA HANDLER].

• Madonna - A good cellulite removing salve.

• Nicki Minaj - Lessons on how to act like a civilized person.

• Ricky Gervais - A visit to the dentist.

• Rihanna - A book on the importance of self-esteem, self-worth, and self-pride.

• Rob Pattinson - A new girlfriend who doesn't look or act anything like Kristen "Smirky" Stewart.

• Simon Cowell - A new T-shirt.

• Steven Tyler - Lip reduction surgery.

• Taylor Swift - A song that is not about one of her half dozen or so ex-boyfriends.

• Willie Nelson - About a pound of Durango Bango.

NOTE: Bedroom Pillow Talk reporter Carolina Chipotle was going to include what she felt Paris Hilton should be getting for Christmas, but the gift was way to explicit to include in this family-oriented publication.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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