Written by Backandtotheleft
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Tags: Health

Thursday, 29 November 2012

Scientists love nothing more than wasting public funding on conducting experiments that have conclusions children could have come up with. Back and to the Left news, sick of seeing so much money getting flushed down the toilet, pulled together some of the most meaningless studies science has completed in the past year. Please note this is not a bitter vendetta against the scientific community because the Government won't fund our research into gene splicing tigers with piranhas. Although we all know that the resulting creature would be the most bad ass killing machine to stalk it's prey on earth. Here are our top six pointless studies of the year

A Study In Where On Earth Is The Worst Place For Shark Attacks- Surprise, surprise it turns out to be in the fucking water.

A Study Into Who Drinks The Most Tea In England- Turns put it's the Geordies. Of course it is do they know how cold it is in Newcastle, problem is they have to put whiskey in it just to keep their blood unfrozen.

Research Into How Much Change The Average British Person Carries Around In Their Pocket- £5. Of course it's only £5 what with everyone between the ages of 14-26 carrying a knife and preparing to mug your ass on every street corner, why would you carry more?

Scientists were experimenting with a drug that could "end fear"- Why they didn't just ask us for a sample of our blood we'll never know.

A Study which concluded that ¼ of the UKs cats are over weight- We know this already because old people have a inbuilt muscle reflex to feed any meowing life form that rocks up at their back door.

A poll has found ¾ anglers think fishing is as good as sex- And of course for half of them it's the same thing.

As you can see despite costing the British taxpayer millions the afore mentioned studies have brought absolutely no new information to light. However a new study into how effective studies are is to be conducted and the men behind that think they can shed some light on the problem.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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