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image for Fly Fishing with Bill and Kenneth The rare Ooh Matron-fish, only found in Dorking Reservoir

Bill: Hello there, and welcome to Fly Fishing. My name's Bill Palmer.

Kenneth: And I'm Kenneth Purves.

B: We're here at Dorking Reservoir again, but this time we're not birdwatching. We're standing here in our thigh-highs, grasping our rods firmly with our tackle dangling in the water. Hopefully we'll get a nibble from some passing trout, or even something more exotic.

K: Yes, that's right Bill, we're angling live on the radio.

B: You know how it works by now. When we see a fish, we call it out so that we have a record of all the amazing creatures living in the water here.

K: And we call them out regardless of whether we catch them or not. I think I can feel something already. There must be a tiddler between my legs.

B: You can say that again, Ken. But I don't see nothing on your line.

K: It's a bit quiet at the moment. When that happens we usually just have a bit of a chat.

B: That's right, Ken. You know, when I got home last night, I couldn't believe how much my wife...

K: Smelt!

B: So it is. Well spotted, Ken. No, my wife, I couldn't believe how much she wanted to cook fish for me. You know how she's such a good...

K: Gulper!

B: You're on fire today, that's two fish you've spotted. My wife is a great cook, and she wanted me to give her a good sized fish from the lake today. She's going to bake it.

K: That sounds tasty.

B: Yes but she says she wants a big one. There's no leaving tonight until we get our hands on a whopper.

K: A tench!

B: Now, now, I hope you're not talking about your boyfriend again. You know I find that disgusting.

K: You shouldn't be so homophobic. You think us gays don't have a...

B: Sole!

K: Not quite that. You think we don't have a right to express ourselves.

B: Cobblers!

K: It's true.

B: They're covered in dirt there, that's typical for a bottom feeder.

K: How dare you! But isn't it true you don't believe in...

B: Cod!

K: You don't believe in gay marriage?

B: I never said that. I just think it involves too many...

K: Pollocks!

B: Exactly.

K: Huh?

B: Anyway, did I tell you I'm going shopping for a new car tomorrow?

K: Oh, that's right. Your old one got...

B: Toad!

K: Crushed by a monster truck I thought.

B: That's right, my wife was in the passenger seat at the time. I thought it would...

K: Snapper!

B: Yes. But she was fine. She was more worried about a dose of...

K: Crabs!

B: A dose of flu she had.

K: Waterdog!

B: Now you're being offensive.

K: What type of car are you going to get?

B: Turbot!

K: Nice. Well I haven't been out with my Bernard for ages. We've just been too...

B: Tyre! With screws.

K: No, too busy. He's got a new job as a...

B: Tuna!

K: As a chef. He does a good job of preparing his meat, let me tell you. He never cuts his...

B: Mullet!

K: No, his fingers while he's got his chopper out. You know, I'm not having much luck catching anything. I might try another bait. Have you got the box?

B: No, I thought you were the bait master tonight.

K: Oh, you stupid...

B: Sprat!

K: We have no more maggots! I can't believe you're so...

B: Oarfish!

K: We're not exactly having a whale of a time here without any bait. I'm going home.

B: Chicken!

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