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Tuesday, 27 November 2012

image for My life as a man #33 What is missing from this picture? You, if you are a man!

The end of men is near

Listen up, men: the last US election proved very clearly that women aren't going to put up with any more bullshit from men. Not only are there more women than men voting nowadays; but more women are voting for what they want than for what we men want them to want.

I know I had a point to make, and that I have muddled it up, but you guys know what I mean already, whether you know it or not.

Oh yeah, here is what I mean in three words:

MEN ARE DOOMED!

Well hell, I've known that for years, so it is not news to me. Apparently though, it was a shock to most of the old white guys who've been used to telling women what to do for years. Their problem is that they never realized that women just said "Yes, dear, you're right, of course," and went on to mix glass in their mashed potatoes.

Like I said, that is not news to me. My mother and father had five children and I was the only boy. And I was the youngest child.

I was treated like one of my sisters dolls.

My sisters dressed me any old way they pleased; and I mean they "dressed" me. In skirts they sewed just for me. They curled my hair. They put makeup on me, painted my fingers and toes.

Shit, I was five before I knew I was a boy, and that is just because my dad came home sick one day and found me in a Playtex 24-hour bra. The he put his foot down: he told my mom and my sisters he never wanted to see me in a dress again.

And he never did; the girls made sure I was back in boy's clothing, and all of the makeup washed off my face, before he got home.

Now, listen to me; I'm a confident heterosexual, and I suffered no long-term effects from being a boy toy for my sisters, and I no longer wear(???)

What in the fuck point was I trying to make?

Oh yeah, it is not news to me that the male sex is doomed. But it really is a shock to most guys that the end of man is near. The signs are everywhere if you know what to look for.

First off, there are more female same sex couples than there are same sex male couples. Bullshit you say? It's a goddamned fact.

Simply stated, it's easier for women (than men) to live together without causing raised eyebrows (Shit, think about it: They've always been able to go to the toilet together without anyone thinking twice about it. No one even raises and eyebrow over two women living together for years and years on end.)

Not only that, same sex female couples can get pregnant without the aid of a man (other than a sperm donor and it is also a fact that women own all the stock in sperm banks-you can look it up).

Men just aren't a real necessity in women's lives anymore. When was the last time you saw a gay guy couple get pregnant?

Case closed-game over.

If you read my story a week or two ago about my visit to a sex shop; let me remind you that women have the ability to purchase any number of battery powered, penis shaped vibrators, in a variety of colors, styles, and some that even strap on-and after the woman is done with it, it cleans the house and takes out the trash. When was the last time you screwed your old lady, then mopped the floors, then took out the trash?

I rest my case.

If you think I'm on the wrong track, think again. Let me ask you one question: The last time you broke up with a gal, how long did it take you to find another woman? Hmmmm? It took you one hell of a lot longer than it did the time before that, didn't it?

Damned right it did.

And you'd think that since there are more women than there are men, it would be mathematically easier for a guy to find a mate. But it isn't, is it? Oh hell no it isn't. Because once you subtract the gals that prefer gals from the gals who still date guys, the available pool of eligible women has shrunk down to a level where a guy has to be really outstanding to get near an eligible woman.

And most guys just aren't too special when it comes right down to it.

If you're an old fart like me, you can forget it, because if you're old, and not rich, you're shit out of luck when it comes to finding a young woman. And the young women, or older women, who will take you, are only really interested if you have property, or a transferable pension, or paid-up life insurance; all of which, when you stop to think about it, should make you stop to really think about it.

And it should frighten you! Either way, we old guys are dying off faster than we're being replaced.

So, whether or not the Mayans were right and the end of the world comes next month, the end of man is near.

Face it like a man, goddammit; whine.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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