Written by Jean Le Fete
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Tags: The Spoof

Friday, 21 December 2012

image for Born To Spoof: Home For The Holidays - A Christmas Tale God Bless us Gerbils everyone!

No 3 stirred in her hammock. She would have slept all day she thought, but JLF was restless and kept shifting underneath her beautiful naked clone body.

"Bloody hell, can't a girl get some sleep? We've done this nearly 10 times now, how many more will it take?" she asked.

"Until we get it right of course," said JLF, "I didn't buy this expensive snorkling equipment for nothing you know."

"Oh yes of course darling and I do appreciate your effort and all, but I really just want t..." she stopped short, "What the hell was that sound!" No. 3 whispered emphatically.

"What sound dearest, I can't hear a thing with my head up your tuckus," replied JLF,still not taking things seriously. But, No 3 was out of the hammock in a flash and knelt by their bamboo bungalow's window.

"I heard a god damned gerbil," whispered No 3."

"Dearest you forget were in Northeast Burma, there are no gerbils here, now come back to hammock my darling."

Just then there was a very loud squeak and clawing at the door. JLF's head popped up from under the covers, his face still inside of a scuba mask, but alarm in his eyes. He quickly rolled out of the hammock to the floor and scrambled into some shorts, all the time remaining on the floor. No 3 held a finger up to her lips as she too dressed.

JLF grabbed his speargun and No 3 positioned herself to open the door. No 3 using hand signals counted to three then flung open the door....

. . .

The Christmas lights filled The Spoof's terrarium next to the bar. Mark was dressed in red, with a Santa cap on his head, "I want them all back here Skoob, by Christmas Eve, no later than that. Do you understand?!" His face grew redder as he increased his volume. "I'm tired of having to write everything and edit everything myself! I'm...I'm lonely... I'm bored....

"Perhaps if you hadn't threatened to kill all the writers last year sir, they might be more interested in returning to the fold," replied Skoob downing his pint.

"Well your here aren't you? Have I killed you?" asked Mark.

"Not in so many words sir, I'm afraid this might be my 9th life though, so I'm inclined to be more conservative," said Skoob drawing another beer.

"Bastard! I get no thanks from anyone! I try to be nice and offer not to hunt people to the ends of the earth and this is the thanks I get..." said Mark dejectedly. Just then a cell phone rang and Mark stopped his soliloquy to answer it.
Mark listened intently without saying anything, then, "Look, just use the portal to get them here, I'll do the rest, I never ask someone else to do my dirty work....except for...well you know... the odd hit from time to time."

. . .

No. 3 flung the door open there stood Monkey Woods, grinning ear to ear, "Lower the spear gun mate, I'm not here to hurt nobody."

JLF sat back on the floor, adrenalin flowing out of him as he pried his finger off the trigger of the gun, "Damned lucky your are Woodsy, this thing has a hair trigger." Just as he set the gun against the wall, the spear let fly hitting a bamboo beam in the hut's roof and a large lizard known locally as a too-caah.

"There's dinner I suppose", said No. 3, "What brings you to the jungle?

"Boss man wants us all to come back, seems he's learning he can't write all 5 bleedn pages of his rag without some help," said Woods.

"Really sad, but I'm not setting foot out this hut," said JLF.

"He thought you might say that, so he authorized me to send you 50 clones if you agreed to come," replied MW.

"I'll shoot him on sight if you don't," said No. 3 angrily.

"Look, its not like he's really giving us a choice. He's agreed to not hunt you anymore, in return you send in the occasional article...and he wants you to come back with me through the portal for Christmas," MS added quickly.

"Now see here!" said JLF rising to his feet, "You know I don't care about any other clones and so the answer is no. K-N-O-W!...now wait a second...Anyway the answer is no!"

Monkey Woods smiled, seeming to relax,"All right then, I can see you're settled here, no hard feelings. Can a bloke buy you two a beer?"

"Now you're talking," said JLF and he and No.3 followed Monkey Woods out the door. Only it wasn't really their door, it was the portal back to the Spoof.... (To Be Continued!).

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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