Written by Auntie Matter
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Thursday, 22 November 2012

image for Bristol Man Hot Favourite for Turner Prize Barber's chair - part of Taipan's Turner 'piece'.

Controversial artist Miles Taipan is thought to be hot favourite for next years Turner Prize. Miles' last 'piece' for which he shat upon one of the lions in Trafalgar Square went viral on Utube and made headlines around the world. The actual excrement was gathered up by his curator and sold on Ebay. His proposed piece for next year's Turner threatens to be just as controversial. Some critics considered the 'work' to be "hugely derivative". Or as one art expert put it... "tearing the arse out of culture as we know it."

For the first time ever the prize will be adjudicated outside London.. in Londonderry scene of much of the troubles over the last three decades in Northern Ireland. Miles will perform an installation piece. His plan is to dye his hair bright green and then have it cut by a sheep shearer before a selected audience. He will then take the shorn hair and scatter it from the ancient city walls.

Distinguished editor Ian Bartholomew Stanton-Seemore of UK's british art glossy Arty Farty has stated that the work is sure to be a winner because "it clearly alludes both to the history of indigenous, nationalist revolutionary violence, the deprivation of human rights endured by the Catholic citizenry down the ages and the ephemeral nature of political upheaval in general that is distinctly reminiscent of Hirst's ontology so wonderfully expressed in Hirst's controversial cow in formaldeyhyde piece shown at the Tate a few years back. Miles' genius is that he can say so much using so little. Clearly he wants us to think of the barber's chair as connected to the electric chair and the inherent shock noumenon of his best work."

Mr. Taipan's response on the other hand was tyrpically candid of the celebrated artist.
"Bollocks!" said he. "I'm doing it for a friggin' dare ain't I? One of me mates put me up to it. One of me Irish mates that is who finks green hair is all the go being as he's a Mick and everyfink. His old man is a barber too so we can get the chair for nowt. Cos, the ways I figures it, if you can't piss the adjudicators off you have no fuckin' chance with the Turner. Right? Cos that's what they gets off on see? The worse it is the better they digs it. Anyway, the odds are in my favour cos I come from Bristol where Hirst and Rowling come from and me dad was a Freemason too. Fuck'em all! Give them what they want. I needs the dough. Friggin' Guinness is a rip-off and I'm going to have something to say about that too in my next piece."

The only other possible winner is Wun Long Lay from Tokyo. She will be drinking bat's blood from a chalice while engaging in masturbation with a rubber bullet in a piece that is frought with controversy before anybody even sees it.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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