Written by CaptainSausage
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Wednesday, 14 November 2012

image for TheSpoof launches online dating service Will our lonely hearts column end in marriage, or slaughter?

TheSpoof satirical magazine realises that most of its readership (not to mention its writers) are sad, lonely people in need of some company. So today TheSpoof launches its official online dating section, which will allow members to get in touch with each other through anonymous internet adverts.

A selection of adverts are published below. Please reply to dating@thespoof.com if you are interested.

Bonkers satirist seeks bonkers lady
Male, 42. People always tell me I'm crazy, and I always reply "Yes I know!" But since I'm obviously so hilarious I decided I should write for the internet's premier satire website. And for TheSpoof too. Haha! No really, I'm divorced and I cut myself a lot. I'd like to meet someone before it's too late.

Lawnmower man wants to trim your grass
Male, 52. I like lawnmowers, I own three. My favourite is the HoverBlade 300, which I use most days. I've always dreamed of upgrading to the X Series, but I don't have a garden big enough. If you like lawnmowers, I'm your man.

Tea for two?
Male, 40. It is a deep sexual fantasy of mine to dress us as a teapot. I'd like you to dress up as a teacup. Then after I've been thoroughly teabagged, I'd like to pour my steaming hot liquid into your porcelain opening. Ah, I'm thirsty just thinking about it.

Help with spoofs
Male, 42. Seeking a good writer, who can help me out with my Spoofs, and maybe even sleep with me once in a while. Since my mid-life crisis, all I've got to keep me going is the fact that I'm entertaining the world with my hilarious spoofs. I should point out that this is my second advert on this site.

Desperate woman seeks something with a pulse
Female, 50. I know there aren't many women on here, so I'm betting I'll get lots of attention by just writing any old crap. There you go. I'm fat, ugly, I can't cook and I have terrible personal hygiene. Come and get it, you pathetic losers!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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