Written by Hunter Thomas
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Tags: Health

Wednesday, 14 November 2012

You know what makes me Sick?

My 300 pound next door neighbor who sun bathes in the nude. Every morning I have to try to keep down my breakfast as she takes off her robe and lay's out in the sun with the sweat rolling off her body like the fat off of a pig on a spic.

My cat who comes to the dinner table and throws up a half eaten chip monk as my date vomits the fettuccine dinner that took me three hours to cook and the Trojan pack in my wallet let's out a moan.

The animal channel that shows an ape eating the after birth of one of her young as I sit down to eat a plate full of runny scrambled eggs.

Waking up after a serious bender and looking over at the girl you picked up laying next to you who looks like a scientific experiment gone awry and seriously consider biting your arm off.

When you're sitting on the toilet taking a dump and you look down at your pubic area and see crabs reenacting the invasion of Normandy on your balls.

Taking a huge dump and then realizing there is no paper and today of all days you decided not wear socks.
Trying to squeeze out a fart and then bouncing a cigar off the back of your underwear.

My dog walking into the room and hucking all over my new carpet in protest to the cheep dog food I had fed him. Then as I'm cleaning up his vomit off the carpet he stands there shaking his tail as he pisses on the carpet.

Listening to politicians complain that they need more tax's to build better roads as I drive by ten over weight department of transportation workers sucking down big gulps standing around a hole looking on as one guy digs.

Going to Seven Eleven and ordering a hot dog and big gulp. As I stand waiting to pay for my meal, a fly lands on my hot dog whips out his vomit tube and lays it out onto the surface of my smoldering economical source of nourishment and immediately suffers a cardiac arrest and tumbles into a blob of mustard.

Slurping down a huge café latte and realizing that the milk was sour.

Having to pee and shit at the same time, knowing that there is no toilet available to do both. Having little choice you stand in front of the urinal and pee, and shit your pants.
Eating pop corn while watching death camp scenes on the history channel.

Dropping your 100 dollar sun glasses in a shit filled McDonald's toilet and knowing that your hand is going in for the plunge.

Reaching in to retrieve dropped sun glasses.

Hunter Thomas

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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