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Tuesday, 13 November 2012

image for My life as a man #29 gobsmacked evangelical looking at Fox News or MSNBC female anchors reporting live, and nekkid!

Castor oil, Fox News, MSNBC, and nekkid chicks on air!

When I was a young kid, I knew better than to tell my Dad that I had a belly-ache. I knew better because I knew what my Dad would do if I told him my gut hurt. He was an old school mountain farmer: he used plant extracts he called "Lightning Hot drops," or, if he was a bit hung over, he used the all-time, get-even-with-your-children, gut-ache panacea, Castor fucking oil! One look at a spoonful of castor oil coming at me would instantly cure my belly-ache and, also, any personal behavioral problems too.

I am belly-sick of this damned election bullshit. The damned thing is over and Mitt Romney lost. I have had enough of the conspiracy-to-steal-the-election emails; the whining of the frightened old white men; and especially Fox News and MSNBC News.

I think anyone who gets his or her information from either outlet is a stooge and a moron. Worse still, anyone who listens to either network would be better off listening to the wino under the bridge when it comes to finding out what the fuck is happening in the real world.

But I don't need a dose of castor oil, or one of my father's many plant extracts: everyone else in the country, who believes anything other than what happened did happen, needs a gallon of the shit force-fed down their throats, one agonizing spoonful at a time until they shit out the poisons they've accumulated over the past two-years of campaigning.

The second thing we need to do as a nation is force Fox News and MSNBC to wear funny fucking hats on air that say, in Fox News' case: "Fair and Balanced Bullshit," and in MSNBC's case: "The Rest of the Most Unwatchable Bullshit Fox News Was too Big a Pussy to Report." Maybe MSNBC talking heads would have to wear sandwich board ads to get it all on there, but they'd still have to wear funny fucking hats.

Good God, I'm no political pundit, but I can fucking add, subtract, multiply and divide. Even I, in my dotage, knew, AND TOLD ALL OF MY FRIENDS ONLINE, as early as the 20th of September, that too many women were pissed off at Republicans, and too many minority voters were registering to vote Democratic, and none of the so-called swing state were going Romney, that it was mathematically impossible for Romney to pull in 210 votes. Yes, I was fucking wrong (!); Mitt pulled 206.

On Columbus Day, I told my social network friends that after the Tea Partiers and the Evangelicals got thrown out (as they did) they would, within hours, toss poor Mitt Romney under the bus and blame him for the loss. I was wrong again; it took mere minutes, except of course on Fox News where Karl Rove sputtered on and on about how the race was too close to call in O-fucking-hio.

On a personal level, I'd like to see that Fox News Anchor chick Meygan Kelly, or Meyhgan, or however the fuck she spells her name, and the other super-hot blonde Fox News woman, Dana Perino, who used to speak for George W. Bush, when he couldn't speak (which was all of the fucking time)… well, I'd like to see them both nekkid, on air. Then me, and a whole lot more men in the US would watch Fox News… well, at least till they trotted out Ann Coulter nekkid, then we'd tune out, because American men are tit men and Ann ain't got a tit on her body….

Where the fuck was I anyway?

Oh yeah, what the Conservative, American Evangelical asshole needs more than a good five-cent cigar (and what man doesn't love a good Havana shoved up his ass pumping rich Cuban smoke up their asshole?) is a huge dose of my Daddy's Lightning Hot drops or a gallon of castor oil to clear their pipes!

I just know that somewhere in the 648 words I typed before these words, I said something utterly worthwhile, and if I didn't, it sure as hell will show up on Fox News or MSNBC.

I can't remember, but are there any good looking chicks on MSNBC? Any I'd like to see nekkid that is?

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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