Written by Winston Smith
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Friday, 9 November 2012

image for Iranian Gun Boats Attack U.S. Drone In Gulf Predator Drone and Americorps Pilot

Headline should read,"Iranian Jets Attack U.S. Drones in Gulf"

President Obama gave the following speech to assembled reporters in the Rose Garden this afternoon.

My fellow Americans:

As President and Decider, uh...I mean Commander, in Chief, it is my duty to the American people to report that renewed hostile actions against United States drones on the high air in the Gulf of Persia have today required me to order the military forces of the United States to take action in reply.

The initial attack on the predator 'Maddox, on August 2, was repeated today by a number of hostile vessels, uh...I mean jets, attacking two U.S. predators with torpedoes, uh...I mean missiles. The destroyers, uh...I mean predators and supporting aircraft acted at once on the orders I gave after the initial act of aggression. We believe at least two of the attacking boats, uh...I mean planes, were sunk, uh...I mean shot down. There were no U.S. losses, wait..hold on, what about the stock market and jobs market and the housing market and well, I suppose, all domestic markets...hey wait we've got increases in Federal jobs! Oh sorry...back it up and I'll just read it. Sorry folks. Uhggmm (President clears throat)

The performance of commanders and crews in this engagement is in the highest tradition of the United States Navy, uh...I mean Air Force. But repeated acts of violets, uh...I mean violence, against the Armed Forces of the United States must be met not only with alert defense, but with positive reply. That reply is being given as I speak to you tonight. Air action is now in execution against gunboats and certain supporting facilities in North Viet-Nam, uh...I mean Iran, which have been used in these hostile operations.

In the larger sense this new act of aggression, aimed directly at our own forces, again brings home to all of us in the United States the importance of the struggle for oil, uh...I mean peace and security, in southeast Asia, uh...I mean the Middle East. Aggression by terror against the peaceful villagers of South Vietnam, uh...I mean Iraq, has now been joined by open aggression on the high seas, uh...I mean high air, against the United States of America.

The determination of all Americans to carry out our full commitment to the oil companies, uh...I mean people, and to the government of South Viet-Nam, uh...I mean Iraq, will be redoubled by this outage. Uh...the power is still off up there?...I thought I fixed that...oh sorry, I meant to say redoubled by this outrage. Roll it back a bit...ok, Yet our response, for the present, will be limited and fitting. We Americans know, although others appear to forget, ha ha...I thought it was the other way around...oh sorry.. the risks of spreading conflict. We still seek no wider war.

I have instructed Hillary to make this position totally clear to friends and to anniversaries and, indeed, to all. I have instructed Ambassador Stevens, uh...no sorry..he's dead, uh...I mean Ambassador Rice, to raise this matter immediately and urgently before the Security Council of the United Nations. Finally, after two rounds of golf, I have today met with the leaders of both parties in the Congress of the United States and I have informed them that I shall immediately request the Congress,..no..no I tell them to do stuff...oh sorry, to pass a restolution making it clear that I can do whatever I want and that our Government is united in its determination to take all necessary measures in support of the oil companies, uh...I mean freedom, and in defense of war, uh...I mean peace, in southeast Asia, uh...I mean the Middle East.

I have been given encouraging assurance by these leaders of the Inner Party, uh...I mean both parties, that such a resolution will be promptly introduced, freely and expeditiously rammed through, and passed with overwhelming support by less than a quorum in the middle of the night. And three decades later I will post it on the internet for the American people to read just as I promised in my glorious campaigns. A few minutes ago I was able to reach Senator Goldwater, uh...I mean Senator Feingold, and I am glad to say that he has expressed his support of the statement that I am making to you tonight, uh...this afternoon.

It is a moslem, uh...ha ha..I mean solemn, responsibility to have to order even limited military action by forces whose overall strength is as vast and as awesome as those of the United States of America, but it is my considered conviction, hey wait a minute, I haven't even been charged with a crime yet!..oh..uh...sorry, where was I, roll it back please, alright here we go again....shared throughout your Government, that firmness in the right, wait that should be left, is indispensable today for peace; that firmness will always be measured, no..no we got rid of standards and use quotas now...oh uh...sorry. Its mission is peace. Uh...live long and prosper. Nanoo Nanoo.

(The following words by the President were overheard by this reporter after the President left the podium)

Hey guys, just whiteout the old stuff next time and type in exactly what I am supposed to say. You know that Michelle says that I'm not the sharpest drawer in the....uh...knife in the drawer.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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