Written by Tommy Twinkle
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Monday, 5 November 2012

image for Ron & Fred on Legs! A winning leg!

It's lunchtime at the pub again, with old Ron and Fred there as usual.

RON: There yer go, Fred. Get that dahn yer me ol' son.

FRED: Cheers. What was Jim sayin' to yer by the bar? I aint seen 'im fer mumfs.

RON: Tellin' me 'baht 'is legs 'e was. Doctor's told 'im its wear n tear in 'is left knee.

FRED: Well, we're all gettin' older, Ron. Fings all falin' apart now they are.

RON: Changed 'is doctor 'e 'as, said the one 'e 'ad just kept tellin' 'im t' sit dahn more often. Just gotta learn t' live wiv it 'e said.

FRED: That's all any ov em tell yer, learn t' live wiv it. Useless, the 'ole lot ov 'em are.

RON: Not this new doctor in Crow Road, Fred. Jim reckons the geezer's alright. Name ov Dr. Singbeeny, or burny, summat like that.

FRED: Sahnds foreign. So what's 'e say then, this Dr Singburny or whatever?

RON: Told 'im best fing t' do is to av it chopped off.

FRED: Chopped off! What's 'e say is wrong wiv it then?

RON: Same as the uvver doctor said, wear n tear from agein'.

FRED: But they don't chop yer leg off fer that, do they?

RON: Well, Jim did say Dr Singfingy told 'im t' make out at the 'ospital t' be in more pain than 'e is, but 'e told 'im they don't ask too many questions nahdays, so long as they've gotcha dahn as bein' in terrible pain. Back 'ome indoors in a cuppla days at most 'e told 'im.

FRED: Nah, you're pullin' me leg.

RON: No I aint. (CALLS) 'Oy Jim, come n rest yer legs over 'ere fer a few minutes n tell Freddie 'ere bahcher legs'.

FRED: Seems t' be walkin' over to us alright' on it t' me Ron.... Allo Jim, mate. Take a pew.

JIM: 'Allo Fred, long time no see. So what's ol' Ron been sayin' then?

FRED: Ron was just sayin' you told 'im that new GP in Crow Road's told you to av your leg chopped off. That right is it?

JIM: Yeah, av it off 'e said, best fing t' do is t' be rid ov it. Yeah, its got that wear n tear fingy in it.

FRED: But we've all got a bit ov wear n tear in the old knees Jim. Yours got worse 'as it, 'cause I know you've 'ad some gyp from your right knee fer years, but I didn't realise it was that bad. In a lot ov pain are yer?

JIM: Nah, not really. No worse now than it was ten years ago t' be 'onest wiv yer.

FRED: Bloody quack. I'll make sure not t' go n see 'im abaht any ov my aches n pains.

JIM: No, e's alright 'e is. I won't be changing back Fred, no way. Sounded a bit drastic at first like, but I soon changed me mind after listenin' to 'im a bit more. I told 'im, I said, it only really starts to ache a bit when I'm frowin' me darts at the board in the pub. I frows me arrers wiv me right 'and, I says, so's I puts all me weight on me right knee n leg when I'm standin' there frowin' 'em.

RON: Over the years that knee's been trained t' stay steady innit when yer frowin' the arrers. Mine's the same.

JIM: Yeah, well you're a darts player yourself Ron so you'd know. So I said to Dr Singebarny, I said, I aint gonna be able t' do that no more wiv me right leg chopped off'.

RON: Yer can't frow a decent arrer wiv only one leg t' stand on. Obvious that is.

JIM: But I'd got 'old ov the wrong end of the stick Ron. Dr Singebarny tells me I wouldn't av just the one leg. After the dodgy one's been chopped off the old NHS would sort out a replacement one for me, artificial one like.

FRED: NHS! Doctor means a wooden peg leg. My grandad used to av one, rubbish they are.

JIM: That's what I fort at first Fred. I won't be able t' frow a straight dart standin' there like Long John Silver, I says, soon as I leans forward, 'cause leanin' forward gets you a little bit closer t' the board dunnit Ron, I says as soon as I leans forward I'd be fallin' over doctor, only fing I'd be good for I says, would be chalkin' up the scores for the uvver fellas in the pub team when they're chuckin' their darts. Well, I mean I don't mind doin' me share ov chalkin' on a darts night but I wanna frow a few darts meself as well.

RON: People don't realise the finesse involved Jim. Same as most sports, looks easy till they gets up there n tries t' do it themselves. See it aint just a steady 'and needed, yer need that balance wiv the front leg annal, and the back one, 'cause that's like yer rudder innit that leg be'ind yer.

FRED: Praps nahdays they av a little wooden foot carved on 'em as well. Be more steady wiv a little wooden foot carved on the bottom when standin' on it. Or stuck on, 'cause they do make strong super glue nahdays. Might be a way ov puttin' a little shoe on it as well.

JIM: Fred, he said these modern ones they make now are better than the ones people are born wiv, said they're so steady when standin' on 'em that I'd be knockin' in the treble twenties n bulls eyes in next t' no time. Asked me if I ever get any pain wiv the uvver one. Well, I said I get the occasional little twinge but nuffink t' worry abaht. Best to av that one off as well he says, no point in puttin' it off.

FRED: He sahnds like a strange doctor to me, Jim. Didn't 'e write out a prescription f' some pills, 'cause that's what they norm'ly do.

JIM: I wasn't born yes'dee Fred. I'm sittin' there finkin', this don't smell right this don't.

RON: Report 'im, get 'im struck off.

FRED: They don't chop off good legs just like that, Jim. You wanna listen' to what Ron's tellin' yer, seriously mate. Report 'im n then go back t' yer first doctor again.

JIM: So 'e says them pains will only get worse in the future. Tells me so long as I tells 'im I'm in a lot ov pain wiv it that's all 'e needs to know.

RON: Report 'im and get 'im struck off.

JIM: I 'ear what you're sayin' Ron, but like the doc said, 'e said, people are livin' lot longer lives nah compared t' years ago and the 'uman body wasn't designed t' last all thems extra years. Fings like knee joints can't stand up to it.


FRED: Well 'e is right there, 'cause I was reading only the uvver day in me newspaper that they reckon people are livin' longer nahdays.

JIM: Anyway, so I'm still sittin' there finkin' this all sahnds a bit iffy, like. So I comes straight out wiv it, I says, I've got a feelin' you're up t' sumfing 'ere doctor 'cause you seem a bit too keen t' send me to av me legs chopped off.

FRED: Does seem strange.

RON: Must be sumfing in it for 'im, Fred. Stands t' reason that does.

JIM: He says, I won't lie to you, it just so 'appens that my father makes the artificial limbs for the NHS in his factory abroad.

RON: See, what did I say, sumfing in it for 'im.

JIM: And for me as its turned out, Ron. Turned out this doctor's father flogs the pathetic legs to the NHS, cuppla grand profit on each one, and this Dr Singebarny gets a grand from 'is old dad for ev'ry patient 'e sends to av a leg chopped off. So I says to 'im, I says if that's the case then I reckons I should get 'alf ov that grand your dad gives yer. Geezers only agreed to it aint 'e. Couldn't believe me luck I couldn't. Five 'undred for each leg I'll be gettin, under the table like.

FRED: Well that sahnds more than fair.

JIM: That's what I fort, Fred. Its all been sorted out wiv the 'ospital and I'm goin' in there to av 'em boaf chopped off next Thursdee. I was tellin' Mary abaht it, the pub guvnor's wife. She's gonna pop along to 'is evening surgery later t'day, says she wants t' try n sort out a cuppla new ones for 'erself. Mind you, that's if she can get off of 'er stall by the bar, she's legless already.

FRED: Pension don't go far these days. Got me gas bill t' pay this week annal.

RON: What time does it start then, this evenin' surgery ov 'is?

JIM: Five till six thirty.

RON: My legs aint what they were. Yer keep on sufferin' in silence doancher.

FRED: It is silly t' suffer when they can do fings for it. My two av bin givin' me gyp fer mumfs, Ron!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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