Written by Backandtotheleft

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Monday, 22 October 2012

"From the actual jungle to the urban jungle" as David Attenborough would probably say if he was remotely interested in this story. A English married mum of two says she was raised by monkeys in the Colombian jungle. We at Back and to the Left news really wish she had said "gorillas" then we could have made a selection of jokes (and pass them off as journalism) about the paramilitary group Farc which have fought the Colombian government for years. But she didn't, she said monkeys so that's what were having to work with.

The woman, who is releasing a book about her experiences, wished to remain anonymous. Presumably she didn't want all the local kids calling her by her monkey name "Pea in mouth". Which coincidently is also the name of MP Lembit Opik's new Japanese girlfriend.

The lady said she had been kidnapped as a child (by persons or monkeys unknown) and had somehow ended up being raised by Capuchin monkeys. The details are sketchy which is a shame because in Back and to the Left News's opinion ended up as a captive of monkeys would definitely be a clear moment in our minds.

The story takes a stranger twist when she claims she was eventually captured by (really retarded) monkey hunters. The hunters then decided instead of giving this clearly non monkey like monkey to the proper authorities they would sell her. To a brothel. For a parrot.

The lady eventually escaped her new captors and made her way back to Blighty! She settled in Bradford and raised a family, in our opinion she was probably safer in the jungle than in Bradford. But how did she get here? Did she swim? Did she learn gliding techniques off Albatross? All will be revealed in her stunning new book released in April.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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