Written by tjmstroud
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Tags: MPs, Scotland

Tuesday, 23 October 2012

Dear Constituents

I had a very hectic weekend, utterly spoilt by my wife insisting I attend the wedding of her niece to a man who hails from Edinburgh.

As we all know, Scots are well known for being careful with their money but how low they can stoop was brought home to me when I was given a handful of confetti to throw. It was dirty.

Whilst I waited in the car for the reception to finish I had time to reflect on the Scottish vote on independence in two years' time.

Between now and then I have decided to start my own campaign to prepare for the vote. It is important that you understand the implications so that you can start to influence your Scottish friends and relatives and make any other necessary changes to your life.

What follows is the Quentin Kelp guide for preparing for the vote on Scottish Independence.


1. If you are desperate to vote against:
You should first make sure you are a registered Scottish voter by ensuring you have an address in Scotland.
We have a list of Scottish addresses once used by English students attending Scottish Universities who can no longer afford to study there that you can use for this purpose.

2. If you are already a registered Scottish voter and want to vote against independence you may need an excuse to be away from Scotland during the voting process. This may be because you or your family are receiving threats from the Scottish National Party to vote "for".
We can provide temporary addresses in England.

3. If you desperately want to vote against independence but are having difficulty providing proof of Scottish nationality:
This may be because you are virtually English or definitely English but have a great grandmother who once lived in Painsley or you have an undeniably English accent and have live comfortably in Torquay or Bournemouth or elsewhere for thirty years.
We can still provide Scottish birth certificates that will qualify you to vote.
Alternatively, we can supply documentation that showed you once attended primary school in Dunfermline.

4. If you are not Scottish, English or Welsh but hold a dubious foreign passport there are a number of opportunities to make tax free money out of voting against. However, you will need to provide some sort of evidence of being Scottish if only by speaking with a Glaswegian accent.
Despite your dubious origins, a convincing accent may, indeed, be the only qualification to allow you to become a full member of the Scottish National Party and so be entitled to claim assistance in some form or another in the months leading up to the vote on independence.
We can provide "Glaswegian as a Second Language" lessons to assist you.

5. If you are English and object to the Scots being given a chance to vote on independence when the English have wanted to become independent of the Scots for a century or more you may want to become Scottish for a while in order to qualify for a vote:
We can arrange for you to be a registered voter although you must pay a deposit of £250. This deposit will be returned once you are able to confirm that you did, in fact, vote against independence.

6. If you want to vote for independence but are still struggling to prove your Scottish identity, you may be required to undergo additional "Proof of Scottish nationality" tests in order to be registered:
For a fee of £35 + vat we can provide the correct answers to test questions.
Examples of answers are shown below:

Q: What is a haggis?
A: A haggis is a four legged animal that is killed and then butchered by a madman with a long knife who speaks gobbledegook.

Q: How is a haggis cooked and served?
A: The haggis is cooked whole and served with roast potatoes, Yorkshire pudding and gravy

Q: What is a sporran?
A: A sporran is a handbag worn by young men on their first date.

Q: What do young men put in their sporran?
A: A sporran contains no money but a few verses of poetry written especially for romantic occasions.

Q: What topics are written about in romantic Scottish poetry?
A: Poems that include useful verses on wee, mice, spiders, long legged beasties and things that go bump in the night

Q: What famous poem should a Scottish man recite when telling his girlfriend he likes her.
A: "Aye. Jenny's body - a we'et poor body - Jenny's never dry - she drags her little petticoatie - coming through the rye."

Q: What kilt is red with a yellow streak?
A: The kilt of the Gordon Brown clan.

Q: Describe other features of the Gordon Brown kilt.
A: It is worn with a larger than normal sporran which contains no poetry but money taken from the pockets of English pension funds.

Q: What are Bagpipes, what and they used for and how?
A: Bagpipes are used for smoking alternatives to tobacco. Breathe in for pleasure, blow out for agony.

Q: What is the Royal Mile?
A: The Royal Mile is the extra length the Queen will need to go to if she is required to accept a vote for Independence.

I am not here to influence your decision, of course, merely to offer some help and guidance.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
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