A top English Premier League club has an opening for a full-time professional footballer to work within a highly motivated multi-lingual team of prancing prima-donnas.
Interested parties should be able to demonstrate a high level of skill, and will be required to show their ability to blow their nose with one finger, and gob large amounts of spit onto the floor. The successful applicant will also be required to spend much of their time rolling around on the pitch holding their knee, before getting up and limping for up to 30 seconds. As such, those with previous proven acting experience will be favorably looked upon.
The person that we take on will be expected to work a full ninety minute working week, and will be required to pledge undying loyalty to the club before moving to a different team that offers more money during the next transfer window.
Benefits include a provided uniform of jersey, shorts, socks and migraine-inducing brightly coloured boots. A starting salary of £55,000 per week. Three months holiday per year, and an orange at half-time.
Are You: Willing to divorce yourself from reality?
Do You: Have a ludicrous haircut?
Can you: Indulge in adulterous sexual activity and then try to buy your way out of it after being caught out by spending large amounts of money on solicitors?
Have you: Got a name that can be easily sung/remembered by the home supporters?
Will you: Strive to make a complete tit of yourself on your twatter account?
If you can answer "I think so, but some of the words are a bit long" to the above, then you may well be the person we are looking for.
Ask your agent to send your CV, together with a large amount of untraceable folding cash in a brown envelope to:
Any Premiership Football Club
As an equal opportunities employer, we welcome applications from women and the disabled, although of course we won't actually bother to read those ones.
A copy of this document is available in Urdu, Nigerian, Chinese, Russian and Portuguese on request.
Ashley Cole need not apply.