Written by Tommy Twinkle
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Monday, 22 October 2012

image for Ron and Fred on The British Secret Intelligence Agencies. No mobile phones back then!

"Alright there, Ron"
"Yeah, not s' bad as it 'appens, Fred."
"Yer don't wanna go araand sayin' that no more Ron."
"Oh yeah, I see what yer mean Fred."
"Not safe sayin' that now it aint... I saw 'im once I did, years ago mind."
"That creep! When was that then, Fred?"
"I saw that Jimmy Savaloy, ooooh, nineteen eight-one, eighty-two, raand abaat then. In one ov them London marathon fings 'e was. I was standin' outside a pub over the Isle o' Dogs. 'Here 'e comes' they was all shoutin' out, all the craad ov people lining the street, like. Clapping n cheerin' 'im they was as 'e came joggin' by. Wavin' 'is bleedin' arms all over the place 'e was."

"I'd like t' see 'im try t' go joggin' frew the Isle o' Dogs again now."
"He'd 'ave t' run a bloody lot faster than 'e did when I saw 'im."

"Always looked a wrong un t' me 'e did, Fred. I can spot a wrong un a mile off, always could. Wrong un 'e was."

"Never won it neiver, don't fink he ever got close t' winnin' it as it 'appens. The creep wangled it each year so 'e could av anuver go though."

"All daan t' connections Fred, who yer know. Same old story the world over it is."

"Arms all over the place when 'e went by me that day, Ron. That aint runnin'. No wonder 'e never won it."

"Well, 'e made out that was just 'is style ov runnin' Fred. See, 'e needed to av 'is arms wavin' abaat like that so's 'e could touch up the young girls runnin' along by 'im. Gave 'im the excuse it did. Any complaints n the dirty git would just say it was accidental."

"Nasty piece ov work, Ron. But what I can't understand is that 'cording t' the papers there were people at the BBC who'd 'eard rumours 'baat that Savaloy even back in those times. People are sayin' it was an open secret fer years."

"Rumours aint proof though is it Fred, and 'e wasn't gonna admit it was 'e."

"But what abaat the spies Ron, spies listen out fer them sort ov rumours. They don't keep em t' themselves, they pass the information on to their controllers."

"Spies? Not wiv yer, mate."

"Spies, Ron. No one's gonna try n' tell me big corporations like the BBC don't av the Britsh spies at work in 'em. Funny sort ov British Intelligence service if they aint got a few spies in places like that."

"Dare say they do Fred, stands t' reason that does."

"That's what I'm sayin' Ron. See, those so-called rumours must have reached the ears of them undercover British agents there. They're supposed t' pass on that kind ov information t' their controllers. It only takes a quick phone call after all. Sort ov, 'Hello sir, this is Oscar Daffodil speaking, I've just 'eard a tasty bit ov gossip 'ere, sir. Fort I ought t' pass it on t' yer like. Yeah, I've just 'eard a very interstin' rumour abaaht that Jimmy Savaloy' - so they must av known abaat 'im."

"Yeah 'course they did. Fing is though Fred, they're very busy people. I mean as bad as the dirty git was it's not really sumfing the MI5 chaps are gonna be focussin' on - thems people are tryin' t' catch all them terrorists, doin' their best t' keep us all safe as best they can mate. Takes up a lot of their time that does. They're riskin' their lives for the likes ov you n me ev'ry day they are, all busy tryin' t' stop the bombs from gettin' in."

"Yeah I know that, but they're supposed t' be tryin' t' keep the little kiddies safe annal."

"Well, there were no mobile phones a few years back Fred. People get t' know abaat the rumours faster these days. I s'pose it wasn't all that easy t' find a phone box workin' back then."

"That's no excuse. I mean, when our Prince Charles and Diana were married they 'ad them two boys they did, yet 'cording t' what's now bein' printed in the papers that Savaloy git was more or less joggin' rand t' their place, ringin' their doorbell whenever he felt like it, then bein' invited in fer supper and kippin' dahn fer the night there. What if they'd 'ad a little daughter instead ov two little boys for goodness sake!"

"Yep, they basically gave 'im 'is own key t' let 'imself in they did. Couldn't av known abaht 'im Fred, they couldn't av known."

"I bloody well hope not. But those British Intelligence people are supposed t' keep perverts like Savaloy well away from our royal family. Prince Charles should be doin' 'is nut abaht it, Ron."

"Oh, he'll be avin a go at em, Fred. Stands t' reason that does."

"Well 'e aint ad much t' say abaat it in the papers so far. Not a dickie bird from 'im there aint. Funny ol' world it is if you ask me...... Ready for anuver pint, Ron?"

"Yeah, go on then. I won't say no, seeing as you're offerin'."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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