Every Wednesday the newspaper prints the local supermarket insert with all the coupons and "two-fers." If you are a man and you need groceries, don't go to the market on Wednesday. You will surely suffer a misadventure; you might even die!
I know that in this economy people are looking for ways to save a nickel. Coupon clipping adds a few pennies to the weekly food budget of cash strapped Americans. And that is all well and good. Even single guys benefit from coupons, guys who use coupons even less than, oh say snails.
What makes Wednesday food shopping so dangerous for guys is the fact that the majority of grocery shopping is done by women. And women clip coupons. On Wednesdays. Women flock to the groceries on Wednesday.
More American men die on Wednesday than on any other day in the week. And they die, by the hundreds each Wednesday, in grocery store homicides. At the hands of women.
Why is that?
It is because women become homicidal on Wednesdays. They will attack without provocation. I lost the vision in my right eye last Wednesday because I stupidly went into Kroger to pick up a gallon of 2% milk for the house. There were only three gallon jugs of the kind of 2% I buy, and two were close to their use by date. As I reached out to check the third jug, and was completely defenseless, a hand, with red lacquered fingernails shot out of nowhere and knocked me upside my head. I fell to the floor dazed and blind in one eye. The store personnel just left me laying there for an hour because, they said, "It is imprudent to get between a woman and a food bargain on a Wednesday."
Women will kill a child over a dented can of peaches, if it is on sale. A woman will cut the throat of an elderly man in a wheelchair if that man sits between her and a special sale on low fat ice cream (2 for 4.99).
A fat woman will rip off the head of any human spending too much time in front of the bacon display, especially if the Oscar Mayer Honey Cured Thick Slice is going for $2.29 a package (a whopping savings of 16 cents per package)!
Women coupon clippers make Wednesday shopping an experience akin to storming Omaha Beach, in the first wave, on D Day.
I know there are women who will want my nuts after reading this. But those same women know I write the truth; they are nodding their heads in agreement as they read this.
So, if they want my nuts, well it's just too bad. Women stole my nuts years ago, and the remaining sack ain't big enough to carry home that five pound tub of unsalted butter.