Written by IainB
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Tuesday, 16 October 2012

image for Useless signs - part one Toilets for those with constipation, obviously.

As I wander round this great country of ours, I have come across a many a sign that is completely pointless, useless and a waste of materials.

The first one I cam across was a badly handwritten sign in an optician's window. It was written on a sheet of A5 paper, in red ball point pen and said "Free eye tests tomorrow". Who was this sign aimed at? It was, in itself, a free eye test. If you could read it, you didn't need one. Additionally, the sign appeared to have been there for quite some time. Were there free eye tests every day?

These and many other questions have remained until this day, for I never went in and asked about it.

Many people have seen the sign on the motorways of Britain: "This sign not in use". Hmm? Really?

Talking of motorways, there are the big signs where the Highways Agency display important messages like "Don't Drink and Drive" and "Congestion after next junction"; these are very useful bits of information. However the sign "Don't hog the middle lane" sign I saw coming towards Stockport on the M60 was a little useless, as the road at that particular point is only two lanes. I tried hogging the middle lane, and ended up in a parallel universe.

Some signs are rendered useless, when a small piece of graffiti points out their absurdity. On leaving Snipe Retail Park in Ashton, near Manchester, there is a sign that instructs drivers: "Right-turners use both lanes". As a sign, it seems sensible and useful. However, somebody wrote underneath it "Unless somebody is watching, when your wave function will collapse". I don't know how many people 'got' the joke, apart from me. Graffiti from a physics professor, perhaps? The Heisenberg Absurdity Principle.

I will keep an eye out for more useless signs. Watch this space.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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