Written by CaptainSausage
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Friday, 5 October 2012

image for Sex and the Common Agricultural Policy Barmy Farming with the CAP

The EU's Common Agricultural Policy (CAP) has long been one of the more controversial parts of European legislation. A number of Dorking residents tell how it has affected their lives.

Sid Subby is a local farmer.

"I'm 53 now," he says, "and this here farm has been in our family for generations. When I were a lad we used to grow lots of peas. Peas as big as your head. You couldn't even eat them they were so massive. Just one of those would make enough soup to feed Dorking orphanage for a week."

"Then in the 1970s the UK joined the CAP and they buggered up everything. They said our peas are too big, and instead they paid us to leave the land empty."

"We eventually managed to persuade them to let us switch to oats which were in demand. They also asked us to grow cows. For years we tried planting cows but they always died. This isn't good soil for growing cows."

"Eventually we did get cows for milking, and used the milk to irrigate our oats. Of course, that made a bloody great mess. Who wants a huge field of porridge?"

"So then we applied for an EU grant to build a porridge aqueduct to Scotland to export our stuff, and of course they approved it immediately."

Mr Subby has since abandoned construction of the aqueduct after realising the idea would be "completely bonkers".

His neighbour, Mr Giles, was asked by the CAP to plant oil seed all over his prime land, which had previously grown wheat.

He said, "The CAP said I have to rape my land. There was a slight misunderstanding there. However once I realised what sort of seeds they needed, I put rape all over my fields. It's quite common now, I think the CAP want to rape the whole of Europe."

Meanwhile, one Dorking resident who is in favour of the CAP is mountaineer Simon Arsebury.

"They call me Climbin' Simon, they do. I've climbed everything from Dorking Hill to Dorking Slope. So when I heard there was a butter mountain in the EU I jumped at the chance."

"Climbing on butter is very different from other surfaces. It's very slippy. I got some special boots made of bread and instead of a pickaxe I built myself a giant butterknife."

"But those people at the CAP won't tell me where the butter mountain is. I really want to be the first to get to the summit."

Mr Arsebury is still waiting to hear back from the EU as to the location of the butter mountain.

If you were expecting sex in this article because of the headline, then don't be too disappointed. They're all 'bonkers'!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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