HYANNIS PORT MA (ABSNN) - Taylor Swift, 22, was indicted this morning by a federal grand jury for violating the Mann Act, after admitting that she drove Conor Kennedy, then 17-years-old, across state lines and the two "engaged in heavy petting, but only outside my tee shirt."
"The Grand Jury had two federal crimes from which to choose to indict, Ms. Taylor," said assistant US Attorney William Jennings Bryant III.
"They chose not to proceed with an indictment for statutory rape charges, as they felt no actual sexual act had taken place; and that if it had, it was a state crime and not a federal rap," Bryant stated.
"They did return a two-count indictment against Swift for violations of the White-Slave Traffic Act of 1910 (commonly called the Mann Act after its author, Congressman James Robert Mann).
"I'm flummoxed, completely and utterly flummoxed by this indictment," said a flummoxed Taylor Swift through her attorney, the late Johnnie Cockroaches.
"We didn't do anything wrong. He tried to cop a quick feel and I let him. He is a Kennedy," she said.
This reporter wants the readership to understand the basic idea of the Mann Act. Although this reporter does not claim the status of US Constitutional law scholars, it feels the act kinda-sorta says:
"Listen here, you (mostly black) pimps; if you cross a state line for the purpose of promoting white-slavery, or prostitution; if you're a husband fiddling around on your old lady, and you take some whore across a state line; or if you're a female country singer messing with a Kennedy, and/or having premarital sex, across a state line; you are going to go to jail!"
"The actual statute is: 'Ch. 395, 36 Stat. 825, codified as amended at 18 USC - 2421-2424,' whatever the hell that is," said Legal Analyst, Fr. Francois Dubois, S.J.
"Taylor Swift may go to jail," he concluded.
"The Mann Act was an attempt by the legislature to end immoral acts, primarily those involved in prostitution. It was then used against married men, travelling with women, across state lines to motels and motor parks… in order to have sex, while hiding from their wives.
"It wasn't meant to punish young lovers who leave one state to go to dinner in another state, and just happen to stop in the other state to make out on the way home, for Christ's sake," said Cockroaches.
"This is not the first time a celebrity has been charged with a Mann Act violation," he said.
Reporters asked him to name some celebrities prosecuted under the Mann Act.
"I'm not sure which ones, but there have been some," he concluded.
"Who caused this silly indictment in the first place? That is what we want to know," asked a tearful Taylor Swift who sat holding hands with her Kennedy boy-toy, err, boyfriend.
The Editorial Board of thespoof.com ordered Dubois to find out what was behind this indictment.
"I'll be damned if he didn't come up with what, at first, appears to be an answer; but it is sure one Wild-Ass Story," said Editor and Chief Mark Lowton.
"We spent a lot of money for an answer, so here it is, for what it is worth," he said with a sigh.
For what it is worth, readers must travel across time and space, from 18th Century Bavaria to 21st Century California. And the common thread linking those times and those places is, of course:
Dateline: October 2012, Santa Isabel, California - This tiny California desert oasis is relatively unknown to all but human desert rats, rattlesnakes, coyotes and kangaroo mice. The sinister Illuminati intend to keep it that way.
From this remote place, the modern Bavarian Illuminati, through its nefarious celebrity agents, Hollywood stars and singers all, launch repeated attacks upon the fabric of America: marriage, morality and Hostess Twinkies!
This humble reporter was given documents that document the documented crimes of the current Bavarian Illuminati. I found the names of the Illuminati leadership. I found their "Mission Statement." I found their "Hit List."
And for the first time anywhere, I shall reveal the seedy underside of this most secret of all secret, secret clubs.
The actual history of the Bavarian Illuminati can be found online. This article is not the place to look for facts, dumb-ass!
Eight well-known Hollywood stars and singers comprise the Leadership Cell of the Illuminati. They are:
Beyonce'; Rihanna; Lady Gaga; Pink; Lil' Wayne; Kanye West (and it is he who caused the indictment against Swift); Celine Dion; and Fergie.
How do we know that they are the top leadership of the Illuminati? We found their names on an internet website. It has to be true!
We, the Illuminati, swear our lives and our fortunes to the constant making of bad movies, and even worse R&B music until the very fabric of America is destroyed.
Further, we intend to buy all of the Hostess Twinkies.
That could not be made any clearererer! They intend to destroy America and corner the Twinkie market.
White men; the Boy Scouts of America; Jimmy Swaggart; Anita Bryant; the Kennedys; and Taylor Swift.
As I said, the evidence for the entirety of the Illuminati conspiracy is on the internet. And given what they've just done to America's sweetheart, it must be true. Need I remind you of the infamous Kenya West diss of Taylor Swift at the MTV VMA Ceremony in 2009?
Professor Robert Langdon, the noted Harvard University symbologist, has waged a war against the Bavarian Illuminati. You may remember Langdon defeated an Illuminati attempt to blow up the Vatican following the death of Pope John Paul II.
"Wait a minute," Langdon told reporters.
"The Bavarian Illuminati would not grant membership to any of the celebrities on that list," he stated emphatically.
"And why is that, Professor Langdon?"
"Well, for one thing, most of them are African-Americans. That would definitely leave them out of the Illuminati. The rest of them are women," he said.
"And finally, none of them are known classical scholars, or scientists of any kind. In fact, I seriously doubt any of them can even spell "Illuminati.'"
He may have a point there.
All attempts to interview the above named personalities about their roles in the Illuminati failed.
"What have they to hide," Dubois asked?