Written by armfeetandtoe
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Thursday, 4 October 2012

image for Mary Popitin: Act one. Mary threatens the other women

Mary Popitin stood watching the one man band. She was impressed with his rendition of "Voodoo Child" but thought the rhythm section lacked a disciplined knee. Having nothing more to do but annoy the people in the park with her singing, she decided to join the man and dance to the music.

Bert is hacking away at the mouth organ when a woman dressed in multi-coloured rags starts to gyrate beside him, "What the fuck are you doing!" he shouts at the woman.

"Dancing to your tune dear Bert" she replies.

"I'm trying to earn a crust ere love" bellowed Bert.

"And I am helping you, let me do my dance of the seven army surplus blankets" says Mary.

"Look love, I am a one man band, now do one before I give you a punch up the hooter" said Bert.

"Do you not recognise me Bert?" asked Mary.

Bert stopped playing, and while waiting for the applause to start, had a proper gander at Mary.

"Well stuff me old daisy roots it's you Mary! When did they let you out" shouted Bert.

"Shut up for gawds sake Bert, I'm up for a job in that big harse over the frog an toad" hissed Mary.

"Sorry girl" answered Bert "I didn't realise they would let you out so early" said Bert.

"I'm taking medication, so they said I could care in the community" replied Mary.

"That opium nearly did for you, remember when you thought I was dancing wiv Penguins" Bert sighed.

"Goodness me, that was a bad trip an no mistake" replied Mary.

"Wot you going to do in that big harse then?" asked Bert.

"The fuckin safe wiv any luck" laughed Mary.

The crowd had now dissipated leaving the friends in an empty park. They decided to have a nose bag at the local ale house before returning to Bert's place for a glass of gin and a natter.

In the morning Mary made herself look respectable and made her way to the home of the Bonks family.

Standing outside the residence were a gaggle of women all hoping to become nanny too the children.

Mary was having none of it, "Oy, do one unless you want me umbrella up yu arris" she growled.

The women took one look at Mary and realised she was not joking. Off they jogged.

George Bonks heard the commotion outside his front door and went to investigate. Standing on the pavement was a woman dressed in black holding an outsize umbrella.

"Can I help you young lady" Mr Bonks asked.

"Good morning sir, my name is Mary Popitin, I have come regarding the vacancy" replied Mary.

"What vacancy would that be?" enquired Mr Bonks.

"Nanny to your children sir" said Mary.

"We have a nanny" answered Mr Bonks.

As Bonks was about to turn away, a policeman stepped between Mary and the front door.

"Morning sir, Constable Dibble, did you have a nanny by the name of Katie Narna"

"We do have a nanny of that name" replied Mr Bonks.

"Not anymore sir, we found her this morning down by the river"

"What on earth was she doing there?" asked Bonks

"Being dead sir, looks like she accidently cut her own head off" replied Dibble.

"Well I never, she could have given notice before she went, who will bathe the children" asked Bonks

"May I suggest the young lady sir" said Dibble.

"Do you have a CRB certificate miss" asked Bonks.

"No sir" replied Mary.

"Why ever not" demanded Bonks.

"This is the year of our lord 1910 sir, no one knows about such things yet" Replied Mary.

"She is right sir" insisted Constable Dibble.

"Oh yes how silly of me, well you have the job Miss ere"? Smiled Bonks.

"Not Miss ere sir, my name is Mary Popitin" said Mary.

"Where is that dramatic music coming from?" enquired Dibble.

"From that blasted Council estate I should wonder" replied Bonks.

"Right, I'm off, good morning Miss, good morning sir" said Dibble as he plodded away.

"Do come in Miss Popitin, the children will be dying to meet you" said Bonk.

"Oh they will sir" Mary sniggered.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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