Rating:

Share/Bookmark
Print this

Wednesday, 3 October 2012

image for My life as a man #16 This woman will have me, sacry thought

What's this mutual masturbation craze about?

I believe I've mentioned here, once or twice, that I am attempting to get laid. Hour after hour I troll all of the sexual dating sites to check out women's profiles. I peruse their Sexual, Kinky, and Fetish Scales, and match them with mine, just to see if I measure up.

I find that I lack one important arousal quotient that would make me more attractive to the women on thses sites: the desire for Mutual Masturbation.

Jump right in and help me here if I am missing the point of mutual masturbation.

Two (or more) human beings gather in close proximity to each other; they get nekkid; they have a few drinks or a toke just to loosen up; maybe there's a bit of necking, some light or heavy petting; they are all lubed up and ready to rumble; then each of them tosses off.

They are not diddling the other person; no, they are playing with themselves, in front of the others, others close enough to touch...

Is that a fairly accurate representation of this sex practice?

Jesus' tits, are you fucking shitting me? You go to all of that bother, you're stripped naked (do you know how weird naked people having sex looks to cats?), and what turns you on is the other person pounding their puds?

Now I get it; you are all Mormon teenagers living in American Fork Utah, and going to BYU.

Oh, fuck me in the ear with a tuning fork; is this what I'm hearing you tell me? I know sexually I'm a bit out of step. I know there are women who claim that nipple torture turns them on. I know there are men who will put penis rings, tight rubber or metal bands, on erectile tissue to prolong boners. I'm sure that is why there was a string tightly tied to Carradine's dick when they found him hanging in the hotel closet-for pleasure.

BTW, are you folks at all familiar with the technique of the castration of bulls and lambs with stout rubber bands? Just asking, you know.

I don't know about how women deal with sexual dry spells, but a man without access to a woman will stick his dick in anything, ANYTHNG. I once stuck my dick in a paper shredder.

No human on earth knows more about masturbation than I do. Wanking off is as American as apple pie. Masturbation…American Pie…A teenager fucking a warm apple pie…A hot red-headed chick with a flute up her nookie…

Mutual masturbation, that turns people on?

You just killed Kenny, you bastards! I'm suffering a cerebral hemorrhage, here. Blood is leaking out of my ears and nose. My right side is numb, and it is all the fault of women who are turned on by mutual masturbation. Be blah, buh, buh, fibermuffer…

OK, OK, I do enjoy a hand-job in the back seat of the old 59 Fairlane and I am equally enthusiastic about diddling a chick with my fingers, toes, ears and nose. But that is before I fuck them-not before I beat off in front of them!!!

I can't catch my breath. I'm going into shock. Quick, I need a woman to come and masturbate in front of me.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

If you fancy trying your hand at comedy spoof news writing, click here to join!
Print this

More by this writer

View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story
View Story

Share/Bookmark

74 readers are online right now!

Go to top