Sneedsville, Ohio-In a shocking secret revealed today on the upper fold of the The Hayseed Herald, Ohio's most popular small-town newspaper, there is little doubt Mitt Romney and Benjamin Netanyahu plan on bombing Ohio before the presidential election to bring the state, and the US, in line with their wildest Zionist dreams and desires.
Once again, Tawdry Soup got the scoop, and although this is a widely recognized Hail Mary pass for for the Romney camp, the chances of it moving Romney's poll numbers into positive territory are zero. In fact, most analysts believe Romney and Netanyahu would have to kill a full 47% of the US population in order to budge the stubborn polls.
It was a simple but suspicious tweet at 3 a.m. by Romney campaign cocaine dealer, communications director and hook-up master, Kevin "JJ" Eastman, that led Tawdry Soup to the Romney tour bus parked at a Wal-Mart outside Des Moines, Iowa. Tawdry was determined to get to the bottom of what looked like Romney and Netanyahu's "October Surprise."
It was breaking dawn when Tawdry arrived. A knock on the Romney tour bus door was finally answered by a toga-wearing and make-up smeared Eastman. The balding wild-eyed thirty year old swayed over Tawdry before grabbing the door-frame for stability. Once his eyes adjusted to the daylight, he asked Tawdry Soup to talk louder, in order to be heard over the very loud party going on inside.
"I heard Benjamin Netanyahu was here. I need to talk to him and Sugar Daddy," requested Tawdry Soup. Sugar Daddy is Romney's pet name among the press corps and gaggle of know-nothings running the campaign of a man who, if elected, could kill the entire planet on a whim.
"Oh, yeah, yeah, they're in the back. They've been in there all fucking night. If you can get in, tell 'em we're dyin' out here. We're all outta the good stuff, and the girls are getting bored," requested Eastman.
Eastman pressed a button and two steps unfolded in front of Tawdry. He stepped aside as Tawdry climbed aboard and entered the rollicking party bus. As Tawdry worked his way to the back, he saw an attractive scantily-dressed young woman passed out on the sofa. Several men, wired-up and reeking of alcohol, were making lame attempts to stake a claim to her. Her acne-scarred overweight toady glared at them from across the bus. Death metal roared over the speaker system. There was vomit in the hallway, where the fire-alarm and light fixture were hanging by bare wires. As he passed, Tawdry could hear people having sex in the tiny washroom. It was so dark, Tawdry almost ran into the sham wood door leading to Romney's and Netanyahu's war room.
Tawdry Soup knocked once, then again more loudly. After taking a deep breath, he decided to barge in. He found Netanyahu sitting on the fold-out sofa smoking a cigar with his pants around his ankles. Not surprisingly, Romney's head was buried between Netanyahu's fat pasty legs. With the vigor in which he attacked the subject, it was apparent Romney was not holding back and giving 100% for the pleasure of his old friend and fellow war-monger. Several smeary and half-snorted lines of the "good stuff" were strewn across a glass-topped table.
Romney casually looked up from his patriotic duty, and saw Tawdry Soup standing in the doorway. He wiped his chin, smiled at Tawdry, and exclaimed, "Welcome to my man cave! I'm Mitt and this here is my old friend, Bibi In-my-yahoo."
Tawdry closed the door behind him, before the zero-eyed zombies gathering around the doorway could see all the unused cocaine. "I'm Tawdry Soup. I heard you two are going to bomb Ohio."
Netanyahu got decent and they both sat up at the table before signaling Tawdry to sit down. Romney asked Tawdry if he "needed anything," and looked at the table. Tawdry pulled a dollar bill from his pocket, rolled it up, put one end in his nose, and leaned forward over the fattest line of glistening high-quality cocaine he'd ever seen.
"Not so fast," said Bibi, as he placed his ham-fisted hand between the end of Tawdry's rolled up bill and the sparkling prize. "We must have your solemn promise you will not tell anyone about our plans to bomb Ohio before the election." Tawdry was amazed at the Israeli Prime Minister's candor, until he remembered Netanyahu never makes a secret out of telling the world who he's going to persuade the US to bomb at any particular moment.
"And what's the justification, you two crazy war pigs, you," Tawdry said playfully. Bibi removed his hand while he formulated an answer, allowing Tawdry Soup immediate access to the pleasure dome. The cocaine was so strong, Tawdry had a mental orgasm, and it took a moment to realize why he was there. Then Romney spoke, bringing Tawdry Soup back to the crushing reality this man was running for president.
"Since Ohio is obviously unpatriotic by not supporting our rush to war, we have found secret intelligence that says Ohio is likely one step away from building a nuclear bomb. Now, Looky here," instructed Romney, as he spread out a pile of cocaine and drew a square in it with his index finger. He pointed to the center of the square. "Say this is Ohio." Then he tediously poked at it in different places before declaring several of the indentations were actually nuclear power plants.
"One particular location of concern," said Romney, with a startled, frazzled and half-baked look on his face, "is a certain factory in Lima, where Abrams tanks are refurbished. This is the only tank factory in the US. If we can knock it out, we can use our aircraft to carpet bomb Ohio, and tilt the vote in our favor." Romney withdrew his finger from his phantasmagorical plan for winning the election, and rubbed his strategy finger vigorously over his gums. He smacked loudly, looked quizzingly into thin air for a few seconds, then turned and smiled lovingly at Netanyahu, who returned the favor in kind.
"But how are you two going to convince the US to forget about its own self-interest and bomb it's own country, just because you guys are behind in the polls?" asked Tawdry Soup. "Just leave it to me," said Netanyahu. "Just look at this shit here," he continued, and began looking for something behind the sofa.
"Ahh yes, here it is. Say hello to my little friend." He pulled out a white piece of cardboard with the drawing of a round ACME Wile E. Coyote bomb on it. On the top of the bomb was a long fuse with a cartoon-like spark on the end. There was a black line drawn across the middle. "You see, this is the green zone here," instructed Netanyahu, pointing to the bottom half of the bomb. "And this is the the yellow zone," he said, pointing to the top section. Then, he picked up a red marker and scratched a line across the neck of the retro bomb. He put down the marker and began tapping frenetically on the cardboard. "That area above the red line is the red zone, it has a red light and it's giving me the red ass." "Me too, but in a good way," giggled Romney. Netanyahu rolled his eyes.
"So you two think the only thing preventing you from pouring all the money in the world into your stupid war machine is the voters in Ohio?" asked Tawdry.
"That and this mountain of coke," answered Bibi. "And by the way, Mr. Soup," he continued. You see these here?" He dropped two candy-looking tablets on the table. This is what Israel makes better than anything else besides trouble. It's the best ecstasy in the world. Take it. And here, have another line before you go." Tawdry grabbed a high-dollar bottle of scotch, pulled out the cork and swilled down the tablets. Netanyahu and Romney, their eyes streaked with red, laughed encouragingly.
After Tawdry finished the longest line ever, and gave his own gums a massage with what remained, he stood up, rubbed his nose, licked his lips and turned toward the door. "Hey Tawdry, can you do us a favor? asked Romney. "Can you get rid of this for us?" Romney stuffed a pair of stained pink panties into an aqua-blue Tiffany bag, along with a huge double-headed dildo that poked 8 inches out of the top of the bag.
"Hey, do you got a little something for the peanut gallery out there?" asked Tawdry, "They're getting itchy for something. I think they're out." Romney unrumpled a coat lying next to him, reached in the pocket and pulled out two vials of white powder. He held them to the light inspecting them closely, then put one back in the coat pocket and tossed the other one to Tawdry. "Anything else?" asked Tawdry. "Yeah-do you happen to know the way to Ohio? We keep ending up in fucking Iowa." Tawdry Soup answered, "I think you go like your going to Kansas, then take a hard left." "Thanks, man," replied Romney.
Tawdry walked back through the musky-smelling bus, and just to let everyone know he was a good guy, yelled over the blaring death metal music, "ROMNEY-RYAN! ROMNEY-RYAN! ROMNEY- RYAN!" But no one seemed to notice. Tawdry scanned the faces of the crew for a reaction. He focused on Eastman furiously texting the message of the day to all major media outlets, even though he had no idea what day it was. The grossly hungover young man looked up, scowled at Tawdry Soup and sneered, "Suck my dick."
Tawdry patted the vial in his front pants pocket, pulled open the door, carefully navigated his way down the retractable stairs, and walked across the parking lot into the brisk autumn morning.