It is with some sadness, but mostly with hilarious laughter, that we announce the passing of Lord Simon Saunders QC.
He passed away aged eighty-three years and one week after a short and comical illness. He spent much of his life trying to help others (buy him pints). He became the youngest QC in British history at the age of three months.
Unfortunately, he was unable to practice because of his lack of speech and inability to read or write. How he passed his exams was never properly explained. Although at the time there were rumours that he cheated in his examinations by smuggling Rumpole of the Bailey into the exam room in his nappy. This rumour was poo-pooed by Rumpole and Saunders. Saunders claimed the bulge in his nappy was just a big turd and not Rumpole. Once he had learned to read, write and speak he won 4521 cases in his first week he turned his attention to having a good time.
After one famous case, successfully defending notorious TV bad boy Richard Briers after he was charged with heroin dealing, he spent seventeen days in the London club, Splurge. During this seventeen day period he is said to have consumed around 400 pints of ale, 3000 cigarettes and over 9kg of cocaine. He claims never to have ingested, but rumours of drug abuse dogged him throughout his career.
Famously, he once snorted cocaine off the judges bench when his back was turned using the judges gavel to crush up his coke.
He was married 14 times and fathered 22 children (approx.) The eldest of his children Fencepost Saunders was named after Lord Saunders' favourite wooden garden object. His first daughter was named Greenhouse, after his favourite glass garden object. Thankfully he stopped this naming technique. His youngest son Krusty is a world famous clown. His most famous trick is making cocaine disappear. Some say he learn't this from his father.
Saunders attempted a fatefully short and unsuccessful career as a magician during one of his breaks from being a QC. On one occasion he suffered a rectal prolapse after attempting to complete a Rubiks Cube with his anus.
He then tried his hand as a football referee. This was not a successful career move either. His first and as it turned out last match ended in farcical circumstances after he sent off five players from each team because of rude comments they'd made about his disastrous magical career.
His first wife divorced him after she caught him fellating a Peruvian dwarf called Marcello. Ironically, she only caught him because she left a production of 'Snow White and the Seven Dwarves' early because she was feeling unwell. Some tabloids speculated that Marcello was part of the production and had been skivving off to see Saunders and that on the night in question the show should've been called 'Snow White and the Six Dwarves.'
His other 13 wives all disappeared in mysterious circumstances. When questioned, Saunders claimed they were all very absent minded and had probably forgotten who they were and where they lived. The police believed his outrageous suggestion.
Saunders regularly dismissed speculation about his life, claiming it was an occupational hazard as an international playboy and all round sex God.
He will be missed. Mainly by his coke dealer.