"I cleaned out the loft this morning with the wife. Dirty, dusty, full of cobwebs, but she's good to the kids"
Tommy Cooper (1921-1984)
"I saw six men punching and kicking my mother in law, my neighbour said "Aren't you going to help"? No I said, six should be enough".
Les Dawson (1931-1993)
"I have the body of an eighteen year old; I keep it in the freezer".
Spike Milligan (1918-2002)
"Two old maids on a beach, a streaker runs past, one had a stroke the other one could not reach".
Bernard Manning (1930-2007)
"You hear about the Yorkshire man who came to London and couldn't get some Yorkshire pudding.
He went home and battered himself to death.
Max Miller (1894-1963)
"The search for the man who terrorises nudist camps with a bacon slicer goes on.
Inspector Jones had a tip off this morning but, but hopes to be back on duty next week".
Ronnie Barker (1929-2005)
"Just because nobody complains, it doesn't mean all parachutes are perfect".
Benny Hill (1925-1992)
"The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer".
Victor Borge (1909-2000)
"I went to Zimbabwe. I know how white people feel in America now; relaxed!
Cause when I heard the police car I knew they weren't coming after me!"
Richard Pryor (1940-2005)
"A fella walks into a pet shop and says; "Give me a wasp".
The pet shop owner replies; "We don't sell wasps".
"There's one in the window".
Frank Carson (1926-2012)
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