Written by Clive Danton

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image for Situations Vacant. Typical British Family Required Some northern people trying to pretend they're a typical British family wait expectantly outside broadcasting house

A Typical British Family are needed by the Broadcasters' Audience Research Board to watch a number of pilots for next years proposed Saturday night tv schedules and to give their opinions.

The sorry collection of feckless, moronic arseoles we seek should consist of at least one parent with a drink or substance abuse problem, a gum chewing teenage single mum who was thrown out of her brand new council property for stripping out all the copper piping and a spotty little teenage pillock with a string of convictions for public nuisance, an ASBO and an electronic tag. An absentee father who pops in occasionally to knock the mother about and steal the rent money is desirable although not essential.

The successful pond dwellers will be required to watch a wide range of talent shows featuring fat bastards who aspire to make it big by wobbling their guts about in time to music, teenage tossers with sticky up hair who cant carry a tune in a bucket, a bunch of blond slappers from Basildon whose only discernible talent is jumping around indiscriminately with next to no kit on whilst making a communal racket akin to a cat being strangled without anesthetic and some absolutely hideous looking hound with a face only a mother could love who can sing a little bit and by so doing makes the panel of judges gasp in wide-eyed astonishment and even weep with emotion despite the fact that they've seen the fucker go through her paces a hundred times before in rehearsal

Please go down the council and ask your exhausted social worker or incompetent member of the child protection agency to fill in your form for you and send to:

Britain's Got Problems
Room 16
Simon Cowell House
22 Susan Carbuncle St.

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