Written by Lyndon
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Sunday, 23 September 2012

image for Five reasons to worry about next week You were losing last week, but next week's truly in the shitter

Now that it's the weekend (which you're happy about), you can look back on the week that's almost over and come to the conclusion that it was pretty much like the weeks before it:

It sucked (which you're not that happy about).

But just when you thought it couldn't get worse, Monday is only hours away, and there's reason to believe that next week is really gonna suck. Here are five reasons:

1) Your wife doesn't love you. Now you've known this for awhile because of the way she acts around you, the names she calls you, and the guy at the gym who's been boning her for the last four months. But only a few people have known about the guy at the gym, and that's gonna change by about Tuesday.

2) Your wife's dog will become your dog. Come on, it's been your dog for some time. You walk it, pick up its poo, feed it, and it's been sleeping where your wife used to sleep (next to you) for the past 10 months or so.

3) You will continue to suck at work, but your boss will tell you as much. The thing is, you could even try harder, but it wouldn't help because you're quite limited.

4) You suck at gambling. Now you've known this for some time because you never pick the right horse, but you'll come to the realization that only a moron could love a hobby so much even though they suck at it so badly and have lost a ton of money. If model airplanes were your hobby and every one you built fell apart as soon as you put it on the shelf, would you enjoy it as much?

5) Knocks on the door and phone calls will not lead to friendly encounters. Whether at work or at home, if someone is at the door or on the other line, chances are good that they'll tell you about the guy at the gym, complain that your dog is shitting on their lawn, ask you to come in to hear your latest (lack-of) performance evaluation, or remind you that if you don't cough up the $12,500 you borrowed last week because that horse Mind Games just couldn't (but did) lose, you'll need crutches in the very near future.

Happy Monday!

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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